


I am Lost in Oceans of Night

by SummahWriter



Series: Journey Series [2]
Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Action/Adventure, Alternate Universe, Angst, F/M, Family, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-09
Updated: 2021-02-12
Packaged: 2021-03-03 02:40:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 41,059
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24007498
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SummahWriter/pseuds/SummahWriter
Summary: Sequel to This Way Became My Journey. Voyager's mix matched crew faces trials and tribulations during their second year in the Delta Quadrant. AU J/C
Relationships: Chakotay/Kathryn Janeway, Tom Paris/Original Female Character
Series: Journey Series [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/221288
Comments: 6
Kudos: 14





	1. Ultimatum, Part Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is the sequel to This Way Became My Journey!

The day had not gone as planned. It had started out with the faintest bit of hope only to have that hope snuffed out sometime midday. Tom Paris had shut down emotionally that was the best way to describe it, when they found the coffin in space; Sarah's coffin. Janeway had disappeared into her ready room immediately and Tom had wished he had a private place to go while on duty as well. The bridge had been silent for the rest of Alpha shift. Even Tuvok seemed subdued. Harry had offered, when shift was over, to go to the mess for dinner with him, but Tom had declined. He didn't need or want to be coddled. Instead he shut himself up in his quarters and just sat on the edge of the bed in the dark, listening to the hum of the engines.

It had only led him to the conclusion that he had to see her.

Sickbay was dark and abandoned at this late hour of night, the Doctor deactivated, and Kes probably in her quarters sleeping. Tom was thankful for the silence, the privacy. Now that he was standing there, looking at the surgical biobed with a sheet covered body prepared for an autospy in the morning, he felt his resolve fading. _You have to do this, Thomas,_ he told himself. _You have to make your peace._ He nearly laughed out loud at that thought. Peace, what kind of peace was he going to find knowing that Sarah's killer was still out there, still hurting others, still leading his people with an iron fist? No, he concluded there would be no peace for him ever again.

With a trembling hand he reached out and pulled the sheet back that was covering her face. It was swollen, discolored, not as vibrant and beautiful as he remembered her. Immediately tears began to flow. "Oh Sarah, what have they done to you?" he whispered, smoothing her hair back, willing her to answer. But her lips didn't move, her eyes didn't open. Tom felt as broken as she looked and collapsed against the biobed, sobbing for the chance they had lost, for failing to keep her safe like he had promised, for everything he realized as the sobs shook his shoulders. _He'll pay,_ he thought angrily, _he'll pay for what he did to you. There's nothing holding me back now. Nothing._

Kathryn Janeway could not sleep. She lay on her back, still dressed in her full uniform, the sheets unturned, staring listlessly at the ceiling. After three straight hours of crying her eyes out for Sarah's death, and subsquently her failure at saving her officer, she had stared at the ceiling in the hopes of finding the answers there. Unfortunately all there was staring back at her was a rather bland Starfleet regulation ceiling. With a sigh she rolled over onto her side and looked at the picture of her children on the night stand. She wished that she could hold them, rock Ava in the rocking chair for hours and not worry about anything else in the galaxy but herself and her children.

Nydia seemed so far away at that moment. They wouldn't be going back anytime soon. Not only did she have an officer to bury in space, she had made a promise to complete a mission for the Prime Minister. The future of the resistance depending on it.

Chakotay would question why she was pressing into Gerroan space. Their solitary reason for traveling into the heart of the ruthless territory had been to rescue Sarah, but now she was dead, and to him, there would be no point. Kathryn had promised to keep the Prime Minister's mission as secret as possible, but she might just have to bring her senior staff up to speed. Would they be able to handle it? After all they had been through the past three weeks? She had never heard so many whispered words of hate and anger than she did after news of Sarah's passing had traveled throughout the whole ship. Her crew was angry and rightly so.

And they had not even seen her body. Kathryn shivered recalling when she had looked upon Sarah's face, how it was swollen and discolored from being beaten. She wiped furiously at her eyes, cleaning away the tears. _They should be thankful that they didn't have to see what they had done to her._

" _Tuvok to Janeway."_

Kathryn pressed her combadge, rolling over onto her back. "Go ahead, Mister Tuvok."

" _There has been an unauthorized shuttle launch; it is Lieutenant Paris._ "

 _Damn it!_ She thought, jumping off the bed. _I knew I should have gong to talk to him right away._ She had decided instead to give Tom his space, time to soak in the enormity of what had happened, time to grieve on his own without someone breathing down his neck. She should have known that he would do something to avenge Sarah's death. Chakotay had expressed concerns that Tom would do something to try and rescue her before they had a plan in tack. "Can you tractor the shuttle?"

" _Negative, he cloaked as soon as he was clear of Voyager."_

The Captain let her head drop, chin resting on her chest. "Did you at least manage to project his course?" she asked, although she was pretty certain she knew the answer.

" _We did, he is heading for Gerroan space."_

"Then set a course Mister Tuvok, for Gerroan space, and take us under cloak."

Hours, she had been walking through dirty tunnels and then dark forests for hours. Things had not gone according to plan since they had fled Casius' personal estate. He had sent a detail out immediately to track them down. It the midst of the city they had found the pair fleeing with known underground resistance leaders and Kreyole freedom fighters. She had done everything she could to protect her companion when the Gerroan had opened fire, but it hadn't mattered, she had been shot in the back, sprawling to the ground and smashing her face. Because of their similarities, some of the soldiers thought they had obtained their target, others kept firing at the fleeing rebels.

The group of underground fighters had used the confusion to usher her to safety, but she had wanted to go back, she couldn't let them defile her body like she knew they were going to do. In the end one of the Kreyole fighters, Tareth, was stronger than her and had literally picked her up, threw her over his shoulder and carried her to the next tunnel, one that led into the deep forests surrounding the city. When they had emerged from the tunnel Tareth had put her down and let her walk on her on accord, although she made it known that she was displeased with the fact that he had carried her for so long. She maybe a woman, but she was capable of taking care of herself.

Dawn was just breaking when they reached their final destination point. Ravior was there to greet them. He apologized for her death, but said that the death was not in vain. She failed to see how that was so. When she questioned him on it, he turned with a sad smile and whispered, "Welcome to the fight for survival that is known as the Resistance, Lieutenant Barrett."

* * *

"Computer, how much longer until we reach Gerroan space?" Tom Paris asked, leaning back in the pilot's chair.

" _At current speeds, thirty six hours and nineteen minutes._ "

"Just enough time to write my apology letter to Captain Janeway, don't you agree?"

" _Please restate the question."_

Frowning, Tom grumbled," Never mind. The next time I decide to disobey orders I'll take someone whose better company along for the ride." Not that he was planning on there being a next time. He knew he wouldn't be coming back from this alive. After he was done with Casius the tyrant's men would kill him, probably the same way they had killed Sarah. It didn't matter, not anymore, he felt dead now that she was gone. The Gerroan would be doing him a favor if they did away with him. Since the moment they had found her coffin, the moment he had seen her broken body and wept over it in sickbay, he had wished he was dead. But he had one last thing to do before he joined her. He was going to make sure that Casius paid for hurting her.

It seemed that Chakotay's fears about him taking off into Gerroan space by himself were prophetic. Of course, perhaps if he had taken off sooner, Sarah would be alive, _or you'd both be dead, Thomas, there's really no way of knowing._ He shook his head to clear his thoughts. At least if he had gone after her sooner he would have _tried_ to save her. Tom had not felt like such a failure since Caldik Prime. He had failed Sarah, and now he had failed Janeway.

Shaking his head he shrugged into the chair. He didn't care what anyone on _Voyager_ thought of him now. He thought back to the device that Ava Janeway had given to him weeks ago when she had traveled back in time. She had told him that Sarah loved him, to give her time, but she had also told him that she was killed somewhere in the future. Apparently they had never encountered the Gerroan in her time line because the device had yet to activate like she said it would. Or it was faulty, either way, this had not been on the schedule. Altering the time line had, apparently more dire consequences than Ava had foreseen, and his heart was broken because of it.

Tom had envisioned after the success of the peace rose asking Sarah on a date and finally getting _yes_ for an answer. The dream had been squashed thanks to a power hungry brute that had no doubt forced himself upon her. The thought of that man violating Sarah drove Tom mad with rage. And he was going to use that rage to make sure that the cruel leader never took another innocent life again. It wasn't very Starfleet like of him, but he didn't feel very Starfleet at that moment.

"Computer," he sighed, "one bowl of hot, plain tomato soup."

He heard the replicator behind him whine to life, thankful that he had managed to regain some rations for the week so he wouldn't have to starve; Tom moved to the replicator and got his soup. Tom wasn't very hungry, however he knew that he had to eat in order to keep his strength if he had any shot in hell in completing his mission. A crusade, that's what his father would probably call it. _Well Dad, I'm sorry to disappoint you again. But I just can't let them get away with what they did to her. Maybe if you had seen her you would understand,_ Tom thought thinking of his father, seventy thousand light years away, tucked in an office safely.

Tom took a sip of his soup. What did his father know about the dangers of the Delta Quadrant? In seventy-five years, when _Voyager_ finally made it home, his father wouldn't even be around to scold Tom on his rash decision making. So what did it matter?

 _It matters because you've always wanted to impression him, that hasn't changed Thomas._ He shook his head again, finishing his soup in one swallow. There was truth behind that thought. He had always wanted to impress his father but he just couldn't live up to Owen Paris' expectations. He had hoped that _Voyager,_ when it got stranded in the Delta Quadrant, would have been a chance to prove to his father once and for all that he was a capable officer, not just a screw up. _Funny how things change,_ he thought as he took over piloting the shuttle.

The next thirty six hours were going to be hell, absolute hell, if all he had to occupy him was his thoughts. It wasn't a pleasant thought, Tom realized. His thoughts had been dark since Sarah had been kidnapped, turned even darker when they had found her body in space. He knew that he didn't have to do this, he could have stayed on _Voyager,_ participated in Sarah's memorial service and gone about his daily routine and business as if nothing had happened. But life just couldn't go on, not when there was no justice for someone who had made such a difference in his life and who he cared for deeply. Hell, he loved her, _loved_ her. And love was not something that Tom Paris gave out easily. Sure he had lots of women back in the day, but he had never actually loved them.

Sarah was different, she was so much like him on some many levels, but yet not. There were times where she absolutely knew herself, and held her ground, asserting her authority, and other times he saw a vulnerable young woman struggling to figure out where she stood in the galaxy. It was the fire and ice in her eyes, the sunshine in her smile, that made her so alluring. The next thirty six hours were plagued by thoughts of her and what they had lost when Casius had stolen her away.

" _Entering orbit of Gerroa Prime._ "

"Computer, scan the surface for an unpopulated area to land."

" _Scanning in progress._ "

Tom patiently waited, pleased that the cloak had taken him into the very heart of Gerroan territory without so much as a sniff of Gerroan interference. He would touch down and proceed to the estate on foot, in the cover of darkness just like the senior staff had planned for the away team when the rescue attempt for Sarah was still needed. He quietly changed into a covert operations uniform and was just fastening his knife to his belt when the computer beeped and informed him that it had found a place to land. Jumping back to the controls, he ordered, "Computer set a course for those coordinates."

 _"Affirmative, coordinates set._ "

"Here goes nothing," Tom muttered as he set the cloaked shuttle down in the dense forest surrounding the capital city.

It was sunset but he decided that it wouldn't be a problem to take a look around and getting his bearings in case he did survive this he could find his way back to his shuttle. He opened the back hatch and stepped out into the dry heat and could hear crickets chirping loudly in the dark woods. Closing the hatch after he stepped out so the shuttle wouldn't be discovered he pulled his tricorder out and quickly realized that this forest was full of life, not just crickets. He made sure that his weapons were in reach in case something like a grizzly bear decided to pay a visit and picked a direction to walk in.

Tom hadn't gone far when he heard the snapping of twig behind him. Hoisting his phaser he spun about only to come face to face with a Kreyole soldier holding a rather menacing weapon at his nose. Slowly he lowered the phaser and dropped it to the ground. "I'm Lieutenant Tom Paris from the Starship _Voyager._ I'm...on a...mission." It sounded lame and he knew it.

"What kind of mission?"

"Personal."

"Personal?" the Kreyole soldier said. "That leaves it open to anything."

"I'm not here to hurt the Kreyole, if that's what you're asking," Tom responded, coolly.

The Kreyole lowered his weapon. "No, I don't think you are, especially if you used a cloaked ship to come in. I saw you exit and followed you. My name's Tareth." He held his hand out and took Tom's. "It's a pleasure to meet someone else from your ship, Lieutenant, you are a tenacious people."

Tom shrugged his shoulders. "Or just foolish."

"Come, we should get out of the open, the Gerroan are always sending fly-overs looking for us. I'll take you to our camp."

"Alright, lead the way," Tom said, glad to have an ally on his side. Perhaps they would help him get into the estate. He would just have to figure out a reason why he was going in there. He assumed that the Kreyole were aware of Sarah's death. Tom couldn't imagine Casius keeping it quiet. _It will come to you Paris, you just have to be patient, because you have all the time in the galaxy to give Casius what's due to him._

* * *

Sarah Barrett stretched as she woke up from a much needed nap. A day and a half had gone by since she had fled Casius' estate, and so far the Gerroan hadn't come looking for her, that wasn't to say they weren't going to come looking for her, and Ravior had already made the decision to keep moving her throughout their camps and settlements. The underground was better equipped than Sarah had perceived them to be and she was happy that they were so willing to help her. Hopefully Ravior was able to get a hold of some communications equipment to notify _Voyager_ where she was. Right now there was no rush, she was certain that Quierron had contacted them again to let Captain Janeway know that she was no longer at Casius' estate.

Joining several of the women freedom fighters by the fire, Sarah grabbed a plate of food and plopped herself down onto the ground. _Starfleet wasn't kidding when they said that survival training was necessary,_ she thought as she shoveled some of the food into her mouth. It wasn't as good as some of the food she had eaten at the estate, but it was better than standard issued ration packs from a shuttle. She noticed that the women regarded her coldly, for what reasons she wasn't sure, perhaps they were upset that she had not died and Myna had. According to Ravior, Myna was an important part of the resistance, and Sarah would probably never fit into her role, even if she was a resourceful Starfleet officer. She had not taken offense to that. Starfleet had not prepared their officers for resistance fighting and guerrilla warfare. She was trained in diplomacy first before shooting.

That principle didn't seem to apply here.

Sarah finished her dinner and got up, going to the makeshift sink to clean it. As she scrubbed she noticed a shadow move across the flickering firelight and glanced to her left to see Ravior standing next to her. The look on his face told her that he didn't have good news; she didn't need to reach out with her telepathic senses to know that. "I'm a big girl, Ravior, I can handle bad news."

He grinned. "You're telepathic senses are getting stronger."

"Maybe, but I always know how to read body language. I'm a trained diplomat remember?"

"Of course, I keep forgetting."

"No worries, what's on your mind?"

"I won't be able to contact _Voyager_ for another three days," Ravior replied. "Our last communications liaison was found out and executed."

Sarah frowned. "I'm sorry Ravior."

"It happens more than you know, Lieutenant. It's apart of war."

"Well, then I guess you're stuck with me for three more days at least."

"Do you think _Voyager_ is on her way here as we speak?"

Sarah pondered the question. What she thought and what she hoped were two completely different things. She believed that _Voyager_ was safely out of the reach of the Gerroan and heading home to the Alpha Quadrant, what she hoped was that Tom and the others were going to rescue her from this hell. Of course this resistance cell was far better than her suite in the estate had been, she didn't have to worry about anymore violent violations of her body. She shivered recalling the night that Casius had raped her. She was still having trouble letting any other man touch her, even in the simplest gesture. When Tareth had picked her up and carried her to the woods she had initially felt like kicking him where the sun didn't shine, but her mind had taken hold and she had reasoned that he was trying to save her not hurt her. "I _hope_ they're coming for me, but do I think they are...no. It's too dangerous, too many risks, and Casius knew this."

It was Ravior's turn to frown. "Despite what he thinks, he has no rights to you or anyone else for that matter."

"Tell that to him," she huffed, drying her plate and fork. "He thinks he owns the galaxy."

"People like him do not rule for eternity like he thinks he will," Ravior pointed out. "Already his people are questioning his lead."

"I hope it is enough," Sarah mused.

"It will be."

"I want to help Ravior, I'm not going to sit around here and do nothing."

"You have been dragged into this war against your will, you should not have to stick your neck out for us."

"It seems I'm apart of this now, aren't I? Maybe I have been since that opening hail," Sarah countered. "Either way, you're not getting rid of me so easily. I'm going to do whatever I can to help."

Ravior grinned. "Well there isn't much to do right now, Tareth and the others should be coming in soon from their patrols. Until then, why don't you go see if you can help those new recruits with firing Gerroan weapons," he winked at her, "I heard from a certain Sub Commander that you're a pretty good shot."

Sarah laughed and went to join the young teens, glancing over her shoulder once at the aging leader, hoping that someday he would see peace.


	2. Chapter 2

_The victim died because of a single phaser shot to her back. All other injuries were inflicted upon her postmortem. Upon further investigation it was determined that the victim was of Kreyole descent, not human,_ _and that her genetics were slightly altered to appear to be Lieutenant Barrett's on our initial scans._ _The body has now been labeled Jane Doe in the computer thus removing the stardate of death for Lieutenant Sarah Cosette Barrett. Her status remains missing in action_

* * *

Kathryn Janeway nearly chucked the PADD with the Doctor's autopsy report on it across her ready room. She had read that report over and over again for the past thirty six hours. They had attempted to make contact with Myna, or the Sub Commander but to no avail. They couldn't even reach Tom Paris. To say that her nerves were frayed was an understatement. They were completely unraveled and her mood was beginning to reflect it. Not only had her relationship with Commander Chakotay turned sour as of late, she couldn't sleep, constantly up pacing with anger, worry, regret, guilt, you name it, she probably felt it at night when she had nothing to keep her busy but the sounds of the engines. _If only Tom had stuck around long enough to learn it wasn't Sarah in that capsule._ She rubbed her hands over her tired face and fought the urge to scream.

That's when the door chime rang.

She nearly cursed because she knew who it was. Chakotay. He was the only one who dared to approach her and risk entering her private domain. At this point in time it felt more like a private hell. "Come in," she grumbled, watching with exhausted eyes as the doors swished open.

Chakotay stepped into the room looking as haggled as she did. "Long range sensors picked up a large fleet of Gerroan ships. We're going to have to alter course to avoid them."

"Wonderful," she mumbled, lowering her head. "How much time will that add to our trip?"

"Another three days."

"Three days!" Kathryn shouted getting to her feet and turning away from him, facing the wall. "By the time we get there it's going to be too late! Tom's probably already stormed the palace and is dead!" She shook her head feeling tears pressing her eyes. "He died never knowing that she was alive. If only I had talked to him the night we found the capsule, maybe... maybe... I could have talked him into staying." Pressing her eyes tightly shut she hoped to stop the flow of her tears. For a moment the silence lingered and she thought perhaps Chakotay had left. That seemed to be the way of things as of late. He would come in, tell her what needed to be told to her, and leave, without so much as a good-bye.

"There wasn't much you could have done to stop Tom," Chakotay finally said, signaling that he was indeed still in the room.

Kathryn opened her eyes and looked at the wall. "But I could have stopped this whole thing from happening in the first place."

"How do you figure that?"

"If I had listened to Sarah...we never would have gone after Jetrel."

"And Casius would have just hunted us."

"I refuse to believe that this was inevitable."

"There are some things, Kathryn even _you_ can't control."

Kathryn turned slowly to glare at him. "No Chakotay? I couldn't have stopped myself from destroying the array? I couldn't have not told Casius that his ideals and ways of life didn't agree with our own and therefore we couldn't negotiate trades with him? I didn't have a say in all those things?"

"The array needed to be destroyed. And we couldn't knowingly enter into a trade agreement with Dellon Casius when he was killing innocent people. You did what you had to do. There was no way you could have foreseen all of this."

"Tell that to Command or Tom's father, or Sarah's brother, when we make it home."

He's only response was a deep look of sorrow.

Kathryn silently wished he _would_ say something.

_"Captain to the bridge."_

She wanted to cry, again; she wanted to be allowed to curl up into someone's arms and let it all out. Gathering herself she raised her chin slightly and pressed her combadge. "I'm on my way, Janeway out."

The bridge was tense these days. It could be felt the moment one walked on the bridge. Kathryn knew her attitude was a part of that tension. She wanted all of this to end,she wanted the crew to know the real reasons for flying into Gerroan territory after Tom. But the Prime Minister had begged her to keep it silent. If _Voyager_ was captured, then there were be no records of her mission. At least not official ones. "Report," she asked Tuvok as she made her way towards her chair.

"We are receiving a message from the Prime Minister."

"Put him through."

"Captain Janeway," Prime Minister Yutell greeted firmly. "I'm afraid a problem has developed."

"Problem?"

"We lost contact with our agent two hours ago. I'm afraid he's dead."

Kathryn clenched her jaw. Chakotay was eyeing her suspiciously. "We've had to alter course three times to avoid Casius' fleet."

"He knows you're coming then," Yutell replied.

"It explains the...decoy Captain," Chakotay said cautiously.

"Decoy?" Yutell asked.

"Yes, we...intercepted a capsule with what we believed to be carrying Lieutenant Barrett's body," Kathryn answered, fighting her emotions. "It wasn't until almost two days ago that our doctor determined that a Kreyole woman's body had been altered significantly to fool our sensors."

Yutell frowned. "Then he definitely knows. He's trying to throw you off course. I suggest you break your mission."

"I can't do that Prime Minister."

"If you continue, _Voyager_ will be destroyed."

Kathryn's eyes blazed with tears for a moment before she gathered herself and slammed her command mask into place. "It's a risk I'm willing to take."

* * *

The resistance's camp was very much like the colony of refugees he had seen not so long ago, with one drastic difference; everyone was armed to the teeth here. Tom Paris noticed that although he was a stranger to them, he wasn't considered a threat. Many didn't even bother to look up when he passed by with Tareth as the two wove their way through the camp to find Ravior. Tom observed that the only perceived threat to them were the Gerroan. It wouldn't take much for them to take Tom out, anyways, he was by himself and despite being heavily armed, he would be lucky to get a shot off before one of the resistance fighters blasted him to high heaven.

Ravior's tent was in the middle of the camp and Tareth wasted no time taking Tom there. The leader of the resistance was curious to see the lieutenant from _Voyager_ , but wasn't surprised by it. "Captain Janeway sent you alone?"

"Ah, she didn't exactly send me," Tom answered.

"But you're here to complete the mission correct?"

"Sorry if I seem a bit dense, but I'm wondering what mission we're talking about," Tom inquired.

Ravior frowned. "Perhaps the Prime Minister didn't get my message."

Tom suddenly remembered all those meetings that Janeway had with the Prime Minister of Nydia and Commodore Gvena behind the closed doors of her ready room, where Chakotay wasn't even privileged to enter. "If there was some mission I'm not aware of, I'm sorry to disappoint you, Ravior, but I came here…for other reasons."

Ravior offered him a slight smile. "Lieutenant Barrett."

Just hearing her name brought on an onslaught of emotions that Tom had to use Stafleet training to stave off. "Yes," he choked out, "I came because of her." He saw Ravior exchange glances with Tareth and give the soldier a little nod of his head. Tareth took his leave from the tent and Tom was alone with the leader of the resistance.

"You care for her deeply," Ravior stated.

"Yes."

"Well now that you're here, Lieutenant Paris, perhaps we can be of some assistance to you," Ravior offered.

Tom frowned slightly. "I don't see how. I came here with every intention of not returning to _Voyager_. I didn't want to put their lives at risk, and I don't want to put your lives at risk either."

Ravior's face darkened. "You came here to kill Casius."

"He took a lot away from me," Tom snapped. "He didn't give Sarah a chance, why should I do the same for him?"

"You believe her to be dead then?"

"I don't believe it, I know it; I saw her body. That bastard put her body into space beaten beyond recognition; he violated her and when he was through with her, he did away with her like she was nothing," Tom spat hatefully. "Do you think he deserves to live after all that, Ravior?"

Ravior shook his head, clearly seeing the young man's anger. But he knew that kind of anger. He had seen friends and lovers suffer the same fate as what Tom Paris believed had happened to Sarah Barrett. "I decided a long time ago, Lieutenant Paris that the man didn't deserve to live, we just have never had the resources to…dispose of him." He turned away from the other man. "I've watched more people suffer than I can count, Lieutenant. The years of our constant persecution and being purged have paid a heavily toll. There were days I didn't think the resistance would make it this far. Lieutenant Barrett being taken from _Voyager_ for Casius' own sick purposes was the final straw for many I believe. She made quite a name for herself. She even managed to turn a young Sub Commander to our side."

"But…" Tom interjected.

"But," Ravior repeated, "it might not be enough."

"This is where Captain Janeway comes in, doesn't she?"

"She does," Ravior replied, turning to face him. " _Voyager_ has the technology to get into the central nexus and destroy the power couplings of the main defense net in Lleh. The plan was for someone to beam into the facility, set some charges, and then beam back to a cloaked _Voyager_ without the Gerroan even knowing."

"So while the others were attempting a rescue of Sarah, Janeway was going to destroy the power grid."

"In a manner of speaking yes," Ravior said.

_I wonder if Chakotay knows what the hell she's up too. If she has another motive for coming to Gerroan space then she'll sure as hell come after me, using that as a ruse to get the real mission accomplished_. "Damn it, that woman is stubborn."

"We tried to talk her out of doing it," Ravior countered. "We know how important she is to your crew. She'd have nothing of it."

"Doesn't surprise me."

"Do you think she's still on her way?"

Tom shrugged. "I don't know. It's not advisable to send messages while under cloak, so I didn't communicate with them and they didn't attempt to contact me. They'll probably scan for my shuttle's cloaking signature when they arrive in system and then attempt to make contact. It's possible she is coming after me. She was ready to fly in here guns blazing to save Sarah."

"She certainly has courage."

"It isn't going to do her much good if it gets her killed," Tom retorted. "Maybe I can complete the mission for her."

Ravior thought about it for a moment. The sooner they destroyed the defense net, the sooner the resistance could move in and start taking over several key areas, and hopefully see the death of Dellon Casius and his High Council. But they all sat protected behind that defense net right now and there was little any of the resistance fighters could do about it. He opened his mouth to speak when the tent flap pushed open and Sarah stepped in, brought to the tent by Tareth.

"Tom?"

The voice couldn't be real, he told himself as he slowly turned to the sound. But it was. Sarah was standing there, to the entrance of the tent, dark hair unclipped, framing her face, looking shocked to see him, but relieved all at the same time. Tom felt his emotions start to swell again. He had seen her dead body in sickbay. It had been her underneath all the bruises and scraps and broken bones; he had touched her, willing her to speak to him. Yet here she was, one and the same as the dead woman in sickbay. He couldn't wrap his mind around it. Moving across the tent he crushed her in his arms, hungrily kissing her and finally allowing his tears to flow.

Sarah pulled away. "What are you doing here?"

"I don't know anymore," Tom answered with a shake of his head. "I thought…I guess it doesn't matter what I thought, not anymore." He looked about and realized they had been left alone. "We…thought you were dead. I'm sorry that I didn't come sooner."

She pulled a sad smile. "I didn't think you were coming at all."

"Did you honestly think we'd leave you here?"

"Yes, did I want you to, no."

"Captain Janeway wasn't about to let Casius get his way. We made some friends; they gave us technology to enter Gerroan space. Hopefully right now Casius and his cronies don't even realize I'm here," Tom replied, stroking her arms gently. He still couldn't quite believe she was here, in front of him and alive. "Are you sure you're not a dream?"

She buried her cheek into his chest. "If I am, don't wake up."

"Oh believe me I don't want too."

_A problem has developed_ , Sarah heard Ravior transmit his message telepathically. _Our Sub Commander friend was found out. He's been executed. Casius knows of our plans to blow out the power grid, he has every last ship in the sector out looking Voyager. It could mean them altering their course to the point that they will be so far away it will take weeks to get here._

_We need to move now._ Sarah replied, snuggling against Tom.

_I agree. Will Lieutenant Paris help us?_

_Yes, I think he will._

_Then we proceed at dawn, Lieutenant. Bring Paris to the community tent, we have to meet and lay out our plan._

"Tom," Sarah said, shifting and moving away from him. "We have to go."

"Go? Where?"

"This way," Sarah replied, gesturing for him to follow her.

"Wait a sec, what is going on?"

Sarah shook her head, fighting her tears. Quierron had been one of the more noble soldiers she had met. He honestly felt that things could change on this planet. But he was so young, so mold able, and she had molded him into believing that what was transpiring on Gerroa Prime and throughout their space was wrong. He had violated half a dozen protocols to contact _Voyager_ on her behalf and she had gotten him killed. She wiped at her nose. "We can't wait any longer for Captain Janeway and _Voyager_."

"You know about this plot?" Tom asked, baffled.

"I knew the moment I walked into this camp," Sarah shot back.

They entered the community tent and found Ravior, Tareth, and another leader of the resistance cell gathered around a ratty table. Sarah quickly introduced Tom to the other solider before she sat down on a crate, Tom hastily sitting besides her.

"I'm afraid, Lieutenant Paris," Ravior opened by addressing Tom, "that _Voyager_ isn't going to be here in time to help us. It seems that you're going to get your wish, complete the mission for Janeway."

Tom fidgeted in his seat. "Well, that was before it was upped a few days. I figured I'd have some time to at least prepare for this."

"Unfortunately that isn't a luxury anymore," Tareth said. "If we want to take out the defense grid we have to do so now. I've contacted our allies and other resistance cells off planet; they will be here at nineteen hundred tomorrow to attack. The power grid needs to be down by that time. We will attempt to make contact with _Voyager_ to hold position where she is and await for you to return in your shuttle. The cloaking device is making it hard to pinpoint their location though. Which necessarily isn't a bad thing, it means that Casius doesn't know where they are either. Even though he knows what Janeway was up too, he has no idea that she has a cloak and is slipping through his territory undetected. However, she's smart, she will avoid the Fleet and risk being found."

Sarah looked at Tom for a moment. "What are you proposing?"

"I take a strike team tomorrow at dawn."

"Too risky," Sarah countered, "Casius will be expecting that. I've studied the maps of the Central Nexus. Tom and I could use our shuttle and beam in there and then out without anyone even knowing we're there."

Tareth frowned. "There's another problem. We haven't been able to get in touch with another cell on planet, we think Casius is blocking our transmissions to them. They could be moving in to complete this mission as well. You'd be running the risk of getting caught up in an explosion, Lieutenant?"

"We understand. But I think we'll be alright."

"We can program our computer to beam us out with a simple command," Tom added.

Ravior exchanged glances with Tareth and the other Kreyole soldier. "Sarah, you realize if you're caught again, he will kill you this time."

"Not if I kill him first," Tom snapped angrily.

An awkward silence passed between the small group, until Ravior opened his mouth. "It's all set then. Tareth make sure that the Lieutenants have the proper equipment they need. We'll move to strike before the sun comes up, that way security is at a minimum at the Central Nexus. Try to make contact with _Voyager_ again, tell them that Casius knows they are on their way and that we're moving ahead without them. Our window of opportunity is small, let's make sure we don't miss it."

* * *

They had talked, about nothing special, just little things. It bothered him slightly that she wasn't being forthcoming about events here and that she didn't seem interested in _Voyager_ or the mission that they had suddenly acquired. "Are you nervous?" Tom Paris asked, leaning back against the tree he was sitting next too.

"No, why are you asking me?" Sarah Barrett responded, her eyes searching for his face in the moonlight.

"Because we have to go back there," Tom replied. "You're going to have to face everything, without much time to process what happened here...to you."

Sarah glared and fidgeted to move away from him, as if signaling she didn't want to talk about it. "I'll be fine," she snapped, trying to move away from him. He was quicker, grabbing onto her arm and forcing her back towards him. For a brief moment their eyes locked and met. Looking into his eyes only made hers tear up and she forcefully shook her head. "I don't want to talk about it. I...I can't talk about it. You'll hate me."

Tom could clearly see the pain in her eyes. He released her arm and snaked his around her slender waist, pulling her onto his lap. She settled there, her head resting underneath his chin. "I told you, I'm not going to abandon you just because things get tough. We can get through this together. After we leave this hell behind and get back to _Voyager,_ we can face whatever happened...together. You're not alone. And I don't plan on leaving you alone." He felt her tremble slightly and he shifted so he could see her face. Tears were streaming down her cheeks. "What is it?" he asked her gently, wiping at those tears.

"I think...I think I'm pregnant."

"What? With...with _his_ baby?"

"Yes."

Tom felt his throat constrict with anger and found that he couldn't speak. To face Casius raping her was one thing, to face her mothering that bastard's child was another. His hands shook and she stiffened, he saw the terrified look come over her face as she started to cry harder.

"I knew you'd hate me," she sobbed, irrationally. She got up off his lap and ran towards the stream that flowed by the camp.

He sat there dumbfounded for a moment before rising and following her. Sarah was standing at the edge of the water, hugging her body tightly, weeping. "Sarah," he whispered, coming up behind her. "I don't hate you."

"You should."

"Why? Because he raped you?"

"Because I let him do it. And now I'm going to have his baby."

Tom shook his head. "Do you know how ridiculous that sounds?" He had heard stories of women being raped blaming themselves, had seen it in his short time with the Maquis, Bajoran women who had been raped by Cardassians blamed themselves for the violation of their bodies. It seemed ridiculous to him that Sarah would even think it was her fault that Casius had hurt her, had impregnated her. "It isn't your fault, it's _his,_ and his alone. He's the one who violated your body, not the other way around. You didn't ask to be the mother of his child."

"I can't do this Tom."

"Can't do what?"

"I can't be a mother to this child."

He stepped closer to her and reached out to her. She flinched from his touch at first but then allowed him to wrap his arms about her tightly. "You can, you'll make a great mother," he assured her. " _Voyager_ will help you; think of how Michael and Ava will be like a big brother and sister to your baby, and the rest of the crew as one giant family. It will be a loving and wonderful place to grow up."

Sarah shook her head, her hair tickling his face. "No, it's not _Voyager_ I'm worried about, it's not being a mother; it's about being a mother to the devil's child, that's what I'm worried about. We don't know what this baby will inherit from its father. His evil perhaps? His cold malice? Tom, that's too risky for _Voyager,_ for the rest of the galaxy."

"Evil is learned."

"That kind of evil is born, not learned. No one hates that much without being born with some of it."

She was torn, Tom could hear it in her voice and it broke his heart. But her fears were justified and on the other side of things, the baby was half hers, created against her well perhaps, but still hers. Could she knowingly terminate that life? "I'll help you." He wasn't sure why he said it, but he did, and the words were out of his mouth even before he could understand them. "You don't have to do this alone."

"Help me, how?" She questioned, turning slightly to glance at him.

"The baby needs a father right?"

Sarah's eyes glistened in the pale light. "You'd do that? Even though it's not yours?"

Tom shrugged his shoulders. "You don't have to be connected by genes to feel strongly about a child. Just look at Chakotay, don't try to tell me he doesn't care about those kids as if they were his own."

He had a point and Sarah knew it. Ava and Michael weren't Chakotay's children but the way he stepped in and took care of them while Captain Janeway had been recovering, and how protective he was of them, it was clear that he loved them as if they were his own. Tom could do the same for her baby if she gave him the chance, if she gave the baby the chance. The thought that the child could turn out like its father still scared the hell out of her though. "You don't have to offer this, Tom."

"I want too, Sarah," Tom replied, squeezing her tightly in his arms. "Besides we have nine months to figure it all out, right?"

"Who knows, Gerroan babies may take longer to gestate than human ones."

He chuckled and buried his face against her hair, just grateful that he had her back. It didn't matter if there was a baby now thrown into that picture. He had wanted to attempt to start a family with her someday, he was certain of it. They were just starting earlier than he predicted and it wasn't even his baby, but, he knew that everything would fall into place. For the first time in a long time he truly felt that things were going to be okay. "We should probably be heading back. We only have a few hours until dawn and we're going to want to be rested for this."

"Did Tareth give you a place to sleep?" Sarah asked, weaving out his arms and turning to face him fully.

"Not yet. I'll go back to the shuttle if I have too."

"No, stay with me," she blurted, and then her face turned a shade of red. "I mean, I have an extra cot in my tent, you can use it."

Tom quirked a little grin. "Did you have something else in mind?"

"Shut up and follow me Paris."

"Yes ma'am."

They began walking back towards the camp in silence and were half way there when Sarah stopped and sensed that something was wrong, terribly wrong. She reached out and grabbed onto Tom's shoulder, holding it in a death like grip. He paused in mid stride and looked at her with questioning eyes. She didn't say a word, there was no time, or need too. He could hear the blast coming from somewhere above them and dove to the ground, taking her with him. The trees above them blew apart and turned a brilliant red as they caught on fire. It was just like that attack on the Kreyole refugee planet weeks ago. The world around them had suddenly turned against them as the trees were turned into shrapnel. Tom grabbed Sarah and yanked her to her feet. "We have to take cover!"

"Where!" She yelled, looking about desperately.

He caught sight of a cave and instructed her to move towards it. They ran as fast as they could as the forest around them turned in a fiery monster. They took cover in the cave for what felt like hours through the constant bombardment, praying the ceiling wouldn't cave in on them, until it stopped and they were covered in dust. Tom ventured out first, and then signaled it was alright for Sarah to follow. What they found was a destroyed forest around them and in the middle of all that destruction was the resistance camp.

"Oh no," Sarah gasped as she ran towards the destruction, Tom on her heels. As far as he could tell there was nothing left of the camp and all the occupants were dead, meaning if they hadn't taken their little midnight stroll they would be dead too. He saw Sarah's face cloud over with hatred. These people had sheltered her and now were probably dead because of it. "We're not waiting until morning, we're moving in NOW."

"What!"

"He slaughtered them Tom! To get to me! ME! It's time that someone came after him," She growled.

Tom found that he didn't like that dark tone to her voice. He shivered slightly. "We'll need equipment from the shuttle. Of course, if it survived this." He pulled his tricorder out and took some scans. After a while he shook his head. "It's gone, that last explosion was probably the shuttle, and it's safe to assume that it's what caused this entire area to vaporize, the cave had natural minerals in it to protect us, this also means that _Voyager_ is not going to be able to detect it. They'll think I'm dead."

"We'll find another way to contact _Voyager._ That Fleet is going to be here in less than twenty four hours. We have to go Tom. Or they'll miss their opportunity."

He set his jaw. "Alright, I have some charges in my pack; I left it over by the tree."

"It should be enough."

"It better be enough," Tom retorted, "or I don't know what we're going to do." He shook his head. "I guess we don't have much of a choice. How long will it take to get the Central Nexus?"

"We should be there by dawn."

"Let's get moving them and give the Gerroan a wake up call."

* * *

"My lord," Gaffa announced entering Casius' office. "We have destroyed the resistance camp. There were no survivors."

Casius looked up from his cup of tea and smiled hatefully. "Good. Then I trust their little movement to take out the Central Nexus has been quashed. Any news on Janeway?" He was pretty sure that she was trying to avoid his Fleet of warships, which is why he had them roaming all over this sector of space. "Has _Voyager_ made it into Gerroan space yet?"

"There was a large anti-matter explosion during the purge. Further investigation revealed that it had a Starfleet signature."

"Really?" Casius said raising an eyebrow. "I didn't think Janeway was that foolhardy to land her ship here, then again, she was rather brash at times. Good, I'm glad that we took care of everything that needed to be taken of care of in one swoop; Sarah's dead, the resistance is crushed, and Janeway is nothing but a bad memory. I feel good today, Gaffa." He leaned back into his seat and grinned maliciously. "I have won the game yet again."

* * *

Harry Kim heard his sensors beep and he looked up startled. Ever since he had started to monitor the Gerroan Fleet of warships that was no doubt looking for them, they hadn't made that sound. "Captain," he addressed Janeway who was sitting slumped in her chair. "The Gerroan Fleet is changing course; they're all heading back to Gerroa Prime. We have a clear path from here to the planet."

At this admission Janeway perked up and glanced over her shoulder at the young ensign. "That will make this journey a lot shorter. How much time now until we can reach Gerroa Prime?" she asked, hopefully. It was no secret that three days was not what she had in mind when they first started out to rescue Tom and now that they had learned the truth about Sarah, hopefully they would find her alive as well. If only the Fleet moving off meant that _Voyager_ was no longer being hunted would completely put her mind at ease. However, she knew that Casius wasn't going to give up on finding her so easily which meant that they could be flying into a trap.

"We'd be there by nineteen and half hundred hours."

"Alter our course, helm," Janeway ordered, glancing at Chakotay. "I want to be there as fast as possible."

"It could be a trap," Chakotay warned her.

"I know," she replied. "But it seems too obvious a trap, even for him."

"Sometimes the more obvious they are, the more likely they are."

Janeway clenched her jaw. "I'm tired of being bullied. We never asked for any of this. It's time that we started sticking up for ourselves and show him that we are not afraid. Harry, set up a private channel to Prime Minister Yutell in my ready room, I need to speak with him." She got to her feet as Harry did as he was told and glanced at Chakotay quickly before issuing more orders. "When we get to Gerroa Prime, begin scanning for the shuttle and human life signs." She moved off the bridge in a stately fashion and marched to her desk.

Her personal computer was set up for the transmission with Yutell. "Captain," he greeted.

"Prime Minister, the Gerroan Fleet is retreating, we're moving into position to complete the mission," Janeway reported.

"The Fleet is moving off?" Yutell questioned.

"Yes."

"Any ideas why?"

"No," Janeway responded, "and I'm not in the mood to find out. With any luck we can destroy the Central Nexus by twenty hundred hours tomorrow. Can your ships arrive in time?"

Yutell nodded his head. "Yes. I have been trying to contact Ravior, but no one has heard from him for a few days."

"Then we have to assume he's dead," Janeway said, pausing for a moment, "Prime Minister, I...I have a personal question to ask, if I may?"

"Of course Captain."

"My children...how are they?"

Yutell's face softened at the pained expression on her face. "They are safe and well taken care of. My wife is quite smitten with them, they're quite charming. However, she can tell that they miss you terribly. Captain, I understand if you want to back out of this mission. You never should have been involved in all this and your children...would suffer considerably if you didn't come back for them. Michael is miserable with worry about you and Ava cries for you at night, she wants you to...tuck her in?"

Janeway smiled sadly. "It's an Earth expression for 'put to bed'."

"Ah, I see."

"Tell them...tell them I miss them too."

"I will, Captain."

Janeway set her jaw and held back her tears as she nodded her thanks. "Wish us luck, Prime Minister; we're going to need all the luck we can get; Janeway out." She pressed the button on her computer to end the transmission and fell into her chair, pressing her fist against her mouth to muffle her cries of anguish.


	3. Chapter 3

Kathryn Janeway watched on the viewscreen as Gerroa Prime came into sight. It was a breathtakingly beautiful planet, blues and greens mixed with whites and browns, much like Earth, but the thought that a terrible leader was on the loose on this planet, detracted from its beauty. She had remained holed up in her ready room after speaking with the Prime Minister. He had known that she wasn't going to be coming back from this mission; she just prayed that _Voyager_ would survive so the ones she had left behind on Nydia weren't forced to live the rest of their life out in the Delta Quadrant. Lowering her eyes, Kathryn glanced at the PADD in her hand. They were instructions to Chakotay, once she was transported off the ship, they would be delivered to the command console between their chairs.

Her eyes found him now, typing away at that console, blissfully unaware that she was planning on committing suicide. She took a deep breath before getting up from her chair. His dark eyes followed her as she moved to stand behind the helm. "Mister Tuvok, prepare the away team, have them meet me in transporter room one in fifteen minutes. Mister Kim, scan for human life signs, I want the away team put down close to them."

Chakotay was certain she wasn't up for this rescue mission, but she had insisted, and since he wasn't getting anywhere with her the last few weeks, he had let it go. He watched her now as she moved off the bridge, eyes briefly falling on the PADD she had been ringing her hands around for the last hour, now sitting in her seat. What was on that PADD that was making her so nervous? He wondered, feeling the urge to reach out and read it, but didn't want to invade her privacy. Kathryn had been shutting herself out from him, from everyone since Sarah Barrett had been taken from the ship. He wanted to know why she felt the need to do so, but on the other hand he didn't want to violate her sense of trust in him by reading that PADD.

He shook his head and went back to work. Feeling a little relief when Harry located Tom and Sarah's life signs, they were in a heavily guarded and defended area. _Damn._ "Chakotay to Janeway." He waited for her response, but there came none, nothing but static. "Commander Chakotay to Captain Janeway, do you read me, Captain?"

"Commander, there's been a transport down to the surface," Tuvok reported, "using the specialized transporters to cut through Gerroan shields. It was Captain Janeway."

"Just Captain Janeway?"

"Affirmative."

"Beam her back to the ship!"

"I can't get a lock on her, it appears that she has sabotaged the transporter, it's going to take me a few moments to get them working."

_Kathryn, what the hell are you doing!_ Chakotay thought angrily as the console between their chairs beeped for his attention. Grumbling to himself he pulled up what was nagging at him and was surprised to see Kathryn's face on the screen. "Commander, you'll find all the necessary codes to transfer command of _Voyager_ over to you in the data stream from this message," she stated, "Once you get Tom and Sarah back onboard _Voyager,_ I want you to alter your course and head back for Nydia, Ensign Wildman, Crewman Celes, and the children will be waiting for you. Set a course of the Alpha Quadrant and don't look back, Commander…or is it Captain now? I'm not really sure. Either way, you aren't coming back here. In a few moments there won't be any need to. The Main Defense Net will be down, taking me with it. I'm sorry Commander there was no other way for the Nydians to get inside. I couldn't ask for volunteers from the crew, I knew it would end in their deaths. Commander, get this crew home."

Chakotay watched as her face disappeared from the screen. His hands trembled for a moment. _That damn self-sacrificing woman, why does she feel the need to do this EVERYTIME a crisis comes up!_ "Tuvok, I only want good news!"

"I'm afraid that I have none, Commander. The transporters are still down and it appears that Captain Janeway and Lieutenants Paris and Barrett are heading in the same direction, with I can only assume the same intent; to destroy the Defense Net."

"Commander I'm picking up a massive fleet of ships," Harry Kim reported, his voice cracking slightly. He was clearly shaken by the message that the whole bridge crew had heard from Janeway. "I'm reading Nydian and Kitae signatures in the fleet as well as some unknown ones. Sir, should I hail them, let them know we're here?"

Chakotay panicked for a slight second, before it all came crashing down on him. _This_ had been a setup from the start. The Nydians and the Kitae were known for working with the Kreyole, they were trying to help them rid the galaxy of the tyrannical rule of Dellon Casius and somehow _Voyager_ had gotten caught up in it all. Of course they were the only ones with the technology to get inside the Central Nexus without being detected right away, but that didn't mean Kathryn had to be the one to do it on her own. "Harry, tell me you can get a lock on all three of them. I want to beam them out of there before that Defense Net blows."

Harry frowned. "The Defense Net is making it difficult to pinpoint their exact location. I'm not sure if I'll be able to beam them out before it blows."

"That isn't the answer I'm looking for Mister Kim," Chakotay snarled.

"I could try widening the confinement beam," Harry suggested.

"Do it."

"Aye sir."

Chakotay clutched the arms of his chair so tightly that his knuckles turned as white as snow. How could Kathryn do this? How could she just throw away _everything?_ He knew that she hadn't slept in days, that she wasn't thinking rationally, but how could anyone think this irrationally and believe that she was going to get away with it? She had to have known that he wasn't going to take _Voyager_ and just fly away into the wild blue yonder, just because she had ordered him too. _Try telling that one to Michael and Ava,_ Chakotay thought miserably.

"Commander, the fleet is entering the system."

His eyes snapped up to the viewscreen to see a large fleet of Nydian and Kitae ships emerge from behind cloaks, heading straight for the planet and battle, with _Voyager_ stuck somewhere in the middle. _Dear God, there may not be a ship left to return to Nydia._ "Tuvok, full power to the shields! Red alert!" The lights on the bridge dimmed and Chakotay had the fleeting notion that this is _not_ the way he had envisioned this day happening. They were only supposed to slip in and out without so much as decloaking, let alone engaging in battle. _The day something goes right on this ship, is the day that pigs fly,_ he mused angrily, jumping to his feet and going to stand behind helm. He wished at that moment Harry could cut through all the interference of the Defense Net so they could get their best pilot back. Not that Baytart was a bad pilot, he just wasn't Tom Paris, and Chakotay knew they were going to need Tom Paris.

"Sir," Harry said uneasily, "the fleet is opening fire!"

Chakotay felt the floor shift underneath them as the volleys brushed past the cloaked _Voyager._ "The Defense Net?"

"Still intact," Tuvok reported.

"Bring us closer to the planet," Chakotay ordered Baytart.

"Sir, we should be moving away from the planet," Tuvok interjected.

"I'm not leaving our people down there Tuvok to die! Move us closer!"

Baytart glanced over his shoulder briefly at Tuvok before setting the course, bringing _Voyager_ even closer to the planet which was no under heavy bombardment. In a few moments the Gerroan fleet of ships that he was picking up on his scopes would be joining the fray and _Voyager_ was dangerously hanging in the balance. And if they did manage to rescue Captain Janeway, she was going to kill them.

* * *

Something was wrong. The atmosphere around the Central Nexus was too quiet, too calm, Sarah Barrett realized as they slipped in by the cover of darkness. It had taken them the rest of the night to walk to all the way to Lleh City. It would have been easier if the shuttle had not been destroyed to use the transporter, but as Tom had pointed out, at least now Casius wouldn't be able to pick up the cloaking frequency and find _Voyager._ But right now, Sarah couldn't shake the feeling that something was terribly wrong and out of place.

It shouldn't have been this quiet.

Tom noticed her distress in the way her body stiffened suddenly and she perked her head to one side as if thinking. He felt his muscles begin to constrict with anxiety. If they were caught, he could only imagine what Casius would have done to them. "What is it?" he whispered into her ear, while they crouched behind some cargo containers, taking notes on the guards movements.

"Something isn't right," Sarah muttered back. "It's almost too quiet."

"So, maybe that means something is up, or they think we were all killed back at the camp and don't expect an attack."

"But Captain Janeway is still out there...right?"

"As far as I know _Voyager_ was still in one piece."

Sarah shook her head. "Then their guard shouldn't be down. There could still be an attack by _Voyager._ "

Tom bit his lower lip for a moment before speaking. "Let's call it a bit of good luck then. This is going to make it a whole lot easier than we thought it was going to be. Come on; let's try to keep a little optimism here that this is going to go smoothly."

"When does anything ever go smoothly for us, Tom?" Sarah questioned honestly. "Since coming into this quadrant our missions have been one disaster after another. I'm beginning to think that we're all cursed or something. This isn't going to be easy, no matter how quiet it appears to be."

"How far until the mean power grid?"

"We'll have to use the tunnel that runs underneath here and go through the prison."

"The Prison, do we have too?"

"It's the only way to get to the tunnel that leads into the Main Defense Net," Sarah replied, closing down her tricorder and motioning for him to follow.

They wound their way behind cargo containers to the far side of the room where Sarah popped a panel and instructed Tom to jump down. He did so, landing on his feet on hardly compacted dirt. Sarah followed him, slipping the panel back over the hatch before pulling out a wrist torch that they had salvaged from a trash heap behind the Central Nexus. The tunnels in the Central Nexus were much dirtier and darker than the one that she had used to escape the estate. She was certain she saw critters move in and out of the arch of her light. _Great, the Delta Quadrant's version of rats...I hate rats._

She silently led the way through the damp passage until they came to a dead end with another panel. Sarah pulled her tricorder out yet again to make sure that there weren't any Gerroan life signs on the other side. All she was reading were Kreyole life signs, meaning they had finally found the prison. It wouldn't take them that long to find the next tunnel that would take them directly to the power grid. Tom was right, this was turning out to be much easier than either of them had anticipated. Which meant that something was probably going to go terribly and horribly wrong. Nothing was ever easy, she realized as she pulled the panel off and climbed through, Tom following behind her and then putting the panel back into place.

Sarah had been in a Gerroan prison before, on the Vaga colony, years ago it felt like, but in reality had only been a few months. She had seen the horrid conditions that the Kreyole prisoners lived in and was grateful that Casius hadn't thrown her in here, although after what he had done to her, he might as well have. She told herself not to look as they began to make their way to the next tunnel, using the tricorder to help them dodge the Gerroan guards.

Tom was the one to finally point it out to her, his eyes focused on the wall, desperately not wanting to look at the suffering people. If they were successful then perhaps these people would be able to escape. He then thought of what the Prime Minister had said, about the mind control, would any of these people ever be normal again?

"Here," Sarah whispered, sliding the hatch open. "We have to crawl through here to get to the power grid."

"I have the charges all set to go; we just have to attach them and then get out of here before we blow it."

"Set them for five minutes then, a small explosion like that will only take out the room and not the whole complex. We should be able to get back through the tunnel and to the next before they go off," Sarah instructed, climbing into the passageway.

It wasn't a very long crawl, but it was a narrow one, Tom realized, thinking that this was much better suited for Sarah's petite body than his lanky one. But he was glad that she wasn't doing this alone, and that Janeway wouldn't have to do this alone now either. It was worth the few moments of discomfort if it meant taken care of the Captain, who wasn't looking particularly good when he had left. Sarah's kidnapping and then the belief that she was dead had hit Janeway hard. _Dear God, they probably don't even know she's alive!_ Tom thought suddenly as Sarah pushed open another panel.

He crawled out and found himself in a large room with control panels and buttons. _The Main Defense Net._ Taking this out was going to be a huge blow, if it was disabled for hours it would allow the Kreyole Resistance and the Gerroan Rebels to take out the oppressive government. _Almost like the British Colonies rebelling against their English rule._ It was a revolution for the twenty fourth century.

Tom slid the pack off his shoulder and dug the spatial charges out. "Here, put one over on that access panel," he instructed Sarah, handing her a charge. She moved across the room and latched it onto the large power grid that he had asked her to. He finished up by putting the last two charges on the main source of power for the Defense Net. "That should do it."

Sarah led the way back into the tunnel and they were just on the other side of it when it shook with a violent explosion. She tumbled out of the passage and to the hard floor of the prison. "I thought you were going to wait until we had cleared the tunnel to set off the charges," she hissed at Tom as he too was flung from the tunnel by another violent explosion.

Alarms were blaring in his ears. "I didn't set them off yet!"

"Set them off! Set them off!" Sarah screamed over the alarms.

Three more explosions rocked them as Tom set off their charges one by one. "The Net's down!"

"Let's get out of here," Sarah ordered, moving away from the hole in the wall as the building around them became a shaking nightmare. "I don't want to get crushed."

Tom complied and followed her. They were climbing into the other tunnel that would lead them back to the cargo hold and the escape port when a gruff voice shouted, "Hey, stop them!"

In the next instant Tom heard a blast bolt wiz by his head just as his feet hit the ground running.

* * *

"My lord, we've traced the weapon's signature in the charges used to blow up the Defense Net," Gaffa reported, striding into the command center in the Central Nexus. "They had a Starfleet signature." He held his breath as he waited for his leader's response, which he already knew was not going to be a good one. They had believed they had foiled the plot to destroy the Defense Net, and thus the plot to kill Casius and the High Council, but rather it looked like they had been the ones to be foiled. "We believe they were used in conjunction with some of the Resistance's weaponry being fired upon us from orbit."

Dellon Casius thew his blaster across the room. It shattered against the wall and made several green soldiers around him duck in response. "I thought you said that Janeway and her crew were dead!" he hollered glaring at Gaffa. "Were you wrong again, Gaffa?"

Gaffa swallowed hard. "It appears that the ship we destroyed near the resistance camp was not _Voyager_ at all, perhaps it was one of their shuttles."

"How many human life signs?"

"Three."

Casius glowered as he grabbed his large hunting dagger and decided to go in pursuit of the Starfleet officers himself. "Where are they?" he barked over his shoulder, causing the soldiers to quiver in fear even more.

"They're breaking up," one answered, "heading for the old medical ward."

"I'll be waiting for them then. Transport me when one of them attempts to hide," Casius snarled, "I've had enough of this game."

* * *

Chakotay stumbled against the helm as _Voyager_ was rocked by weapon's fire. He had ordered the cloak dropped and they had joined the battle, but they still were not having any luck locating Captain Janeway and the others down on the surface. He was beginning to wonder if Janeway was even still alive down there. The Defense Net had been blown, and it had been blown by Federation explosives, but there was no telling if they were from Sarah and Tom or Kathryn, or if any of them were still alive. The sensors were having trouble reading through all the weapon's fire, no thanks to Kathryn sabotaging the transporters.

When she got back to _Voyager_ he was going to kill her.

Behind him he heard someone yelp in pain. "Commander, we're being hailed by the lead vessel," Harry Kim reported as he frantically tried to find a way to beam the Captain and the others back to Voyager.

"Open a channel," Chakotay responded, watching as the Prime Minister appeared on the view screen. "Prime Minister Yutell."

"I suggest that you get whatever people you have down on the surface back on board _Voyager_ now, Commander. We're close to destroying the entire Central Nexus, taking the Gerroan High Command with us. I would hate it if your people were caught up in the explosion."

Chakotay was doing everything he could to stay in control. They were already caught up in it all, since the moment Kathryn and him and Tuvok had flown their shuttle to New Gerroa. And it was this man that had gotten Kathryn into trouble in the first place. If he hadn't put the idea in her head to destroy the Central Nexus, then she never would have gone through with this. "We're doing the best that we can, Prime Minister, but we're having trouble getting a transporter lock on them. Can you perhaps give us five minutes?"

"The sector has waited too long, Commander, for this moment, I don't want anything to go wrong," Yutell replied. "We will give you as much time as we can, that is all I can promise you."

_Even after all we've done for you,_ Chakotay wanted to scream but kept his composure. "I understand. _Voyager_ out." The Prime Minister disappeared from the screen and he turned to glare at Harry. "I don't care what you have to do Ensign, but get them up here, and get them up here now!"

* * *

She felt something burn into the side of her neck at the same time her body was snapped violently backwards. Kathryn Janeway gasped in shock as metal cut through her skin and pulled back suddenly, just barely missing and severing a major artery. It did plenty of damage though. The world spun in front of her and she toppled to her knees, reaching up to the pressure point on her neck only to feel blood slipping through her fingers. Her mind reeled with one thought, stop the bleeding.

_With what?_ She argued with herself. All she had was a hand phaser, some charges, and a tricorder. Those instruments were handy when the time acquired them to be, but they were not going to clot her blood. Her hand trembled and she tried to reach for her combadge. A powerful hand reached out and grabbed it away from her uniform, causing her to sway on her knees and fall forward. Her hands hit a cold, hard floor and she made red prints on the pristine tile with her blood.

"You weren't who I was expecting, but I'll take what I can get," Dellon Casius snarled above her. "It seems your misdeeds have finally caught up with you Janeway. I think I will take great pleasure in killing you and shipping your body back to your ship in a torpedo shaft."

"Go to hell," Kathryn growled, trying to raise herself to her full height. It only caused the room to spin more and she crashed back to the floor.

Casius chuckled. "I've heard that quite a bit from your officers, Janeway."

Kathryn squeezed her eyes shut trying to focus and chose to ignore him. It was a huge mistake. She felt the knife cut the other side of her neck, just missing the artery again and causing the room to completely blur. _Stay awake Kathryn, stay awake!_ She was suddenly very tired however and she could feel her eyes slipping shut. It had always been in the back of her mind that she wasn't going to come back from this mission, however, she had never thought she was going to die this way, withering on a stone floor, slowly bleeding to death.

"I'll take your crew out one by one if I have too, Janeway," Casius was towering over her. "Perhaps I'll travel to Nydia first, I hear that you left your offspring behind there."

She fixed a heated glare on him. "Stay away from my children."

"Who's going to stop me? You?"

Kathryn couldn't answer in words, but she could see Chakotay breaking his neck if he brandished that knife at Ava. She fought to keep her eyes opened and didn't notice the sounds of voices coming down the hall or the fact that Casius had hid back in the shadows of the room, preparing to strike at his next victim.

On her back now she gazed at the dark ceiling, her breathing becoming more labored. Time seemed to move at a different pace here, she wasn't sure how long she laid on the floor. Hours? Minutes? Would Voyager ever find her? Or would Casius stay true to his word and fire her body out to space in a torpedo shaft? What would Chakotay tell her children? She had died on a mission? Or that she had been murdered? Their faces danced across her vision now. She hadn't even properly said good bye to them and she was going to die on this floor.

"Captain Janeway!"

Kathryn felt fabric press tightly against the wounds on her neck. There was someone standing over her, long dark hair covering the woman's face. She knew that voice, that hair. "Sarah?"

"It's alright, Captain, we're going to get you out of here," Sarah Barrett's voice said confidently.

_No, get out of here Sarah_ , Kathryn thought, recalling Casius being the one to stab her and not knowing if the evil leader had left the room yet. However, she couldn't voice the words, it came out mumbled and garbled. She could see Sarah look at her with puzzled eyes. She tried again to voice her warning.

"Just lie still Captain," Sarah instructed. "Conserve your energy."

Tom Paris anxiously ran a tricorder over his commanding officer. Glancing over his shoulder he concluded that the Gerroan soldiers had lost track of him too in all the confusion and he ducked into a dark room to hide for a few moments. "She's going into shock. We need to get back to _Voyager_. Where's her combadge? Spread out and look for it." His had been destroyed in the shuttle and Sarah's... well Casius probably still had hers. They needed Janeway's badge to communicate with _Voyager_ and get a transport back to the ship. The lighting in the room was making it difficult to search for it.

It appeared to be some kind of medical ward, there were cots lining the walls and various turned off instruments around the room. It made sickbay look luxurious. Wiping the sweat from his brow, Tom backed up and lowered his body down onto one of those abandoned cots, keeping an eye on the door to make sure that they didn't have any unexpected visitors while Sarah looked for the combadge. His phaser was trained on the door, not the movement behind him.

Tom wouldn't be able to recall later when he knew that something was wrong. Maybe it was when he heard Sarah gasp in horror, the sudden movement, or the burning blade as it cut through his flesh. Either way, it happened so quickly that he dropped his weapon and cried out, his hand reaching around to the burning area on his back. He pulled it away to see it covered in thick red blood. He had been stabbed, by a large sized blade it appeared.

The room spun in front of him and his vision blurred. Tom tried to hold himself up against the cot, but felt his legs getting weak. They were trembling. He stumbled forward, sending pain ricocheting up his spine. He bit his lip to prevent himself from crying out again.

"Looking for this?" Casius said holding the small badge up into the air.

Tom could see that Casius attention was suddenly drawn to the movement in the corner of the room, Sarah dashing for a hiding spot. As he propped himself up onto the cot to try and position himself to grab the phaser rifle he had dropped, the leader turned and stalked towards the shadow in the far corner of the room.

Sarah wasn't quite prepared for him lunging towards her. The knife garnished and gleaming with Tom's blood in the dim lights of the dusty windows. She dove away from the knife only to slip in some of Tom's or Janeway's, she wasn't sure whose, blood on the floor. The phaser went flying from her hands as the knife cut a gash down her arm. It tore her sleeve open and exposed her pale flesh. She bit her lip as the pain shot through her body and she dashed to grab her rifle. Casius stepped in her way.

"I'm going to enjoy watching you all die, Sarah."

Sarah managed to escape his knife again, perhaps her senses giving her a heads up. She crawled underneath the cots and was pleased that Casius shouted in anger because she was out of his reach for the time being. As she moved back against the wall she caught sight of something on the floor. It was Tom's phaser. Reaching out with her hand, she tried to get it before Casius noticed. She didn't. He stabbed his knife down onto her left hand and she screamed this time as the knife cut through her hand and through the other side of her palm.

Tom attempted to make a move to stall Casius' progress towards Sarah so she could grab the rifle, but the Gerroan leader just whirled about on his heel and landed a swift kick into Tom's gut. He grunted and fell back to the floor, banging his head against a tray of instruments on his way.

Nursing her wounded hand Sarah took the opportunity to lift her knee and slam it into Casius' back. He went crashing to the floor, his dragger slipping out of his hand. He rolled over onto his back to see her standing over him, the phaser pointed directly at his chest. It was for the first time, in the moment before his death, that Sarah actually saw the Gerroan show fear. It flashed across his face as she pulled the trigger back, and whispered hoarsely, "It ends here."

Sarah watched as a brilliant ball of orange shot forth from the weapon, impacting with Dellon Casius chest, the abused killing the abuser. He gasped in shock and pain before finally slumping, his chin touching his massive chest that now lay deathly still. Covered in blood and sweat, Sarah lowered the rifle and let out a choked sob. _It was killed or be killed Sarah, you made your choice to live. It was for survival._ She still couldn't shake the thought however that she had murdered.

The room suddenly roared violently as glass shattered around the group of wounded officers. Sarah screamed and covered her body as best she could, feeling pieces of glass embedding themselves already in her wounded hand and arm. _Damn, where's that combadge!_ Crawling on her hands and knees, which sent pain coursing through her entire body, she pried it out of Casius' dead hand and pressed it tightly between her fingers. "Barrett to _Voyager_!" She yelled helplessly as the room began to fall apart around her. There would be no time to escape, she couldn't carry both Janeway and Tom through the damaged halls of the Central Nexus before the Fleet completely destroyed it. Their last hope was _Voyager_.


	4. Chapter 4

Over the rumble of the bridge being rocketed by a torpedo, Chakotay thought he heard a disembodied voice. Whipping his head about he looked over his shoulder at Harry Kim, still working to figure out a way to beam their people safely back to _Voyager._ Could he really have been the only one to hear the voice? "Ensign," he said, "are you picking up any hails?"

Kim looked puzzled. "No sir."

Chakotay strained his ears over the rumblings of battle around him. It was almost inaudible, but this time he was sure he heard it. Practically leaping over to the tactical station and shoving Tuvok out of the way, he worked on localizing the source. It was indeed a hail, however faint it was, coming from Kathryn's combadge. _How did Harry miss it?_ Chakotay wondered as he struggled with the controls. This time the voice came on over the speakers stronger, startling everyone around him.

" _Barrett to Voyager! Please! We need an emergency beam out, directly to sickbay! I have wounded!"_

The First Officer heard Harry Kim gasp across the impasse between them. "I've got them," Kim said, anxiously. "Three human life signs, two are weakening." He shook his head. "I can't raise her. There's too much interference, she's barely getting a message to us."

"You didn't get to be a senior officer if you can't handle a little interference! Do as she says, Ensign, beam them to sickbay!"

"The firing is making it difficult to localize their signals."

"Widen the damn confinement beam," Chakotay snapped, jumping at the turbolift. "Tuvok, you have the bridge."

"May I remind you Commander, that we are in a state of red alert, your place is on the bridge," Tuvok said, calmly.

The Commander's eyes flashed dangerously. "Tuvok, we have three seniors officers trapped on that surface, two with possible fatal injuries,"Chakotay shot back, " _My_ place, as you so call it, is where I _want_ it to be!" He spun about in the turbo lift, with a final snap at Harry, "I don't care how you get them back, Harry, but do it!"

Kim watched as the lift's doors closed, realizing that if he didn't get everyone back to the ship, the first officer was going to execute him.

* * *

As the walls began to cave in around her, Sarah frantically scrambled and pulled the mattresses from the medical cots off their resting places and threw them over Tom and Janeway's bodies. Both officers had fallen unconscious and Sarah, with the limited resources that she had, had done the best she could to stop their bleeding. Her left hand was pretty useless and her right arm was screaming protests as she pulled the heavy mattress to the floor. She wasn't sure these mattresses were going to offer much protection, especially when the Fleet blew the Central Nexus to pieces. "Barret to _Voyager!_ Please! We need an emergency beam out directly to sickbay! I have wounded!"

The other side remained painfully quiet. Did Captain Janeway travel here all by herself? Was there really no _Voyager_ in orbit? If that was the case, by the time Commander Chakotay managed to track Janeway down, it would be too late; they would be dead, buried beneath kilotons of rubble. Sarah sprawled out on her stomach underneath the mattress, covering her head with her hands. Of all the ways to die, here on this planet, this was the farthest one from her mind when she had first come here, being buried underneath rubble and a mattress, her arms torn up by the enemy's blade. _At least,_ she thought, _the Kreyole have a chance for freedom now._ She only wished that Ravior and the others would be around to see all they had worked for come to frutition.

Beneath her the floor began to rumble louder and louder as the building they were trapped in began to tear apart from constant plasma bombs. She felt the floor begin to fall out from underneath her trembling body. The last sensation she had before a blinding flash of light and an odd tingling sensation, was that she was falling, hard and fast into the bowels of the Central Nexus.

There wasn't even time to scream.

* * *

Chakotay entered sickbay just as the transport was completed. He was shocked when three yellowed mattresses appeared on the floor in front of the biobeds. And then one of those mattresses squeaked a surprised yelp and he was propelled into action. Crewmen around him began to pull the mattress back to reveal Tom Paris, Kathryn Janeway, and Sarah Barrett lying beneath them.

He audibly gasped when he saw them, his first thought was that he had never, even in his days with the Maquis, seen so much blood. All three of them were covered in it from various stab wounds, Paris bleeding from a gaping wound in his back, Sarah's right arm was torn open and her left hand had a huge hole through it. And Kathryn...he couldn't even look at her. He had to advert his eyes to collect his thoughts for a moment. When he looked back, her condition had not changed like he had prayed. She still had two fairly decent sized wounds on both sides of her neck, deep, but not deep enough he realized that she would die right away. Her attacker had wanted her to die slowly. He was pushed out of the way when crewmen rushed to pick up Kathryn and Tom and put them on biobeds.

Sarah screamed when they went to lift her. In fact, she whirled her wounded arm around and sucker punched Murphy. The ensign grunted as he stumbled backwards into an instrument tray. It wasn't a bad move, Chakotay realized, given the fact that her arm must be killing her.

"Lieutenant!" the Doctor was yelling at her. "You're safe! We're only trying to help you!"

But Chakotay could see that Sarah was in emotional and perhaps physical shock. She shook her head and reached for the nearest thing she could hurl at the hologram, a medical tricorder. The First Officer watched as it sailed right through the hologram and hit an unsuspecting crewman in the shoulder. _Ouch, that's going to leave a bruise._ "Doctor," Chakotay said, calmly, intervening when the hologram started to rant that if she didn't calm down she was going to destroy his whole sickbay, "I'll handle this, you have patients."

"Commander, she's one of them!"

"Is she in danger?"

The Doctor looked incredulous. "Well, her wounds don't look that serious, nearly not as serious as Mister Paris and the Captain, but she's been off the ship for close to five weeks! She needs to be examined!"

"But it can wait until after you've treated Paris and the Captain?"

"I wouldn't reccommend it-"

"But it can be done, later, right Doctor?"

The hologram deepened his permanent frown. "Yes," he grumbled. With a glare he turned to Kes. "Bring me blood gas infusers, we have to stabilize their breathing before I can operate." Still sulking at the First Officer, the Doctor went about his work as Chakotay inched closer to Sarah. She recoiled and grabbed the nearest weapon, a cortical stimulator. The primal fear in her eyes was heart breaking, how much had she really endured the last five weeks, only for it to come to a head in the Central Nexus?

"Sarah," he started softly, as if addressing a child. "It's alright now, you're on _Voyager._ You're home. You're safe."

Her grip slackened on the cortical stimulator. Chakotay took the chance and moved closer, his hand gently reaching out and prying the instrument from her hand. "Let the Doctor help you, Sarah. No one here is going to hurt you."

"I killed him."

Chakotay blinked, looking over his shoulder at Tom briefly. "I...I'm not sure I understand, Sarah."

"He was going to kill us, Commander! I...I had to do it!"

So she had been the one to kill their attacker. Very well, Chakotay understood, it was kill or be killed, she had acted. Why was she so upset about it? A nameless Gerroan soldier attacking them and subsquently being killed by Sarah in self defense shouldn't be rattling her this way. "It's alright, Sarah, you did what you had to do. Here, let me help you up. You can rest while the Doctor works on the others."

She flinched slightly but allowed him to help her to her feet and assist her up onto the last biobed. She was trembling but Chakotay could see the primal fear in her eyes start to diminish and the calm demeanor of a Starfleet officer took hold. He would be lying, however, if he said he wasn't deeply worried about her mental state. Despite everything they had been through, her faked death, Tom's abrupt departure, leaving the children behind on Nydia and Kathryn trying to cover it up, to Kathryn's suicide mission, it couldn't possibly compare to Sarah's five weeks of isolation on Gerroa Prime. _People who are recovered from Gerroan prisoners are just that, recovered. There is nothing, psychologically, left of them to rescue._

With a shiver Chakotay recalled Prime Minister Yutell's words when the senior officers had first met with him. Was the only thing they had rescued from Gerroa Prime a shell of the officer taken from them?

"Doctor there's a problem," Kes' voice sounded urgent. Chakotay spun about to fix his gaze on their young nurse. She was standing besides Kathryn's bed. "Their blood isn't coagulating."

The hologram looked concerned. "The procedures should have stopped the bleeding to prepare them for more treatment."

"They're still losing blood."

"And more rapidly," the Doctor said, running a scanner over Kathryn's body.

"Doctor, what's going on?" Chakotay inquired, gritting his teeth.

The hologram shook his head. "I'm not entirely sure. There appears to a be toxin of some kind in her system, preventing her blood from clotting." He moved to investigate Paris. "It's present in Mister Paris as well. At this rate, I'll never be able to stop their bleeding in time before they both die! Kes, prepare to extract a sample of the toxin!" The two began flying around the biobeds at a dizzying pace, nearly knocking Chakotay over as they spun out of control to try and save Paris and Kathryn. Chakotay could do nothing but be pushed out of the way and pray that this wasn't going to end as badly as it was looking at the moment.

On the biobed, the monitors began to blare all sorts of warnings. Paris and Janeway were going into shock, their bodies were putting up the last defenses before they slipped away. Their skin was ashen, colorless; they already looked like death. He swallowed and allowed his eyes to fall on Sarah, staring up at the ceiling. Presumably the toxin was in her system as well, just working more slowly due to the fact that her injuries were not nearly as severe.

"Isolate the toxin," the Doctor was ordering Kes who was gazing into a microscope. "We can use it to create a counter agent."

Time seemed to stand still, at least for Chakotay, who was anxiously keeping an eye on Kathryn's monitors. _She's fading, hurry Doctor._

"There!" the hologram shouted triumphantly. He yanked a hypospray away from the work station and rushed to the Captain, injecting her with a counter agent that they all collectively prayed would work. Slowly her heart rate steadied and the bleeding began to slow. The Doctor looked smugly at the monitors before rushing to give Paris and then Barrett the injection as well. "Excellent, Kes, we can start treating their wounds with the dermal regenator."

Kes moved to treat Sarah first, but Chakotay shook his head, grabbed the instrument from her hand and proceeded to heal her wounds. Kes silently acknowledged that the First Officer wanted to speak to her, now that she seemed to be calming. The young Ocampa didn't know enough about psychology to know that Sarah was actually in a state of traumatic shock, not calming down.

"These are pretty nasty," Chakotay said, running the regenerator over Sarah's hand. "That solider must have wanted you good and dead, Lieutenant, to leave these."

"He wanted me dead, the others were just a door prize," her response was cold, emotionless.

"Casius must have sent him."

"He sent himself."

Chakotay stopped what he was doing and snapped his dark eyes up in an attempt to meet hers. She was staring listlessly at the wall, a glassy look in her eyes. No wonder she was shaken by her killing; she had killed Dellon Casius in self defense, the repercussions it would have on the galaxy were not lost on Chakotay. And what about the ones it would have on her? Hatred swelled inside of his heart as he pictured that monster slashing his knife into Sarah's flesh, and Tom's, and then it exploded as he pictured Kathryn screaming in agony.

He realized that if Sarah hadn't been the one to kill Casius, he would have done it himself.

" _Tuvok to Chakotay._ "

"Go ahead Commander."

" _Prime Minister Yutell demands an update_."

Chakotay frowned. _Of course he does._ "What's our status Mister Tuvok?"

" _For the moment, Gerroan forces are retreating. The Central Nexus has been destroyed and the Resistance Fleet is landing ground troops, there seems to be no immediate danger in the vicnity."_

He finished healing the gash on Sarah's arm and with a final pat of her shoulder, he placed the instrument back down on the tray. "I'll be along in a moment, Tuvok, Chakotay out." He searched Sarah's eyes for a moment, before instructing her to get some rest. With one last sigh, the First Officer left sickbay behind, realizing that things could have been much worse, given the circumstances. If _Voyager_ hadn't beamed the officers out when she did, well, Chakotay hated to think what would have happened to them. It was bad enough that Paris and Janeway had almost bled to death. The worst, he concluded, was seeing the shell of their counselor.

Stepping out onto the bridge he couldn't help be feel responsible. He was after all one her commanding officers, but his brotherly protection of her stretched beyond normal first officer subordinate relationships. Again he came to the conclusion that if Sarah hadn't killed Dellon Casius, he was sure he would have, with his bare hands. "Hail the Prime Minister Harry," he ordered gruffly.

Prime Minister Yutell's face appeared on the large viewscreen. "Commander Chakotay, I wish to speak with Captain Janeway. Our sensors indicated that you were successful in transporting your people back to _Voyager_ before the Central Nexus was destroyed."

"I'm afraid Prime Minister that Captain Janeway is unavailable at the moment," Chakotay replied. "I'm in command for the time being." _So you're going to have to deal with me._

"Very well," Yutell said, despondently. "I assume now that this is all over, _Voyager_ will be heading back to Nydia."

"You assume correctly," Chakotay said, harshly. "We have crew we need to retrieve. I'm sure they're feeling quite abandoned right now."

"Your implication that my people are not taking care of your crew insults me, Commander," Yutell snapped.

"Let me make something perfectly clear, Prime Minister," Chakotay said hotly, "We never would have needed to leave them behind if _you_ hadn't talked Captain Janeway into this suicide mission. We were lucky to get her back in one piece. Now, _Voyager_ will gladly go to Nydia and pick up those we left behind, but don't plan on us doing any more _favors_ for you or your cause. _Voyager_ out." He motioned for the transmission to be cut and turned about to get to his seat.

Tuvok and Harry were both looking at him, actually Harry was gaping and Tuvok had that one eyebrow of his crocked up in a way that Chakotay knew a lecture was soon to follow. He mustered his best Kathryn Janeway death glare silencing any objections either officer might have had before slumping into his seat with a silent groan. He would be glad when this day of hell would be over.

* * *

_First Officer's Log, supplemental; Three days have passed since the Central Nexus has been destroyed. We have arrived at Nydia and are finishing repairs in their primary space port. The Gerroan, with the overseeing of several Nydian and Kitae officials, has formed a new government under the command of a Sub Commander we thought dead. Apparently the Resistance hide Sub Commander Quierron before Dellon Casius could arrest and execute him. Unfortunately, Doctor Jetrel didn't fare as well. After he submitted his distress signal to us, Casius had no use for him and the Gerroan executed him. At least the truth finally came out. As for Captain Janeway and Lieutenants Paris and Barrett, the Doctor has released all three from sickbay. However, it is obvious it is going to take a long time for their emotional wounds to heal._

* * *

Chakotay noticed that despite their best efforts, _Voyager_ just had not gotten back to normal since they had started back to Nydia three days prior. Kathryn had been unnervingly private, more so than usual, hiding out in her ready room when on duty, against the Doctor's wishes of course. Tom Paris was still in a tremendous amount of pain from his injuries and would be off duty until further notice, and Sarah Barrett, Chakotay wouldn't have known she was back on the ship if he hadn't been in sickbay when the away team was beamed back on board.

Sarah's isolation had Chakotay even more worried than Kathryn's isolation. Five weeks was a long time to be held against one's wishes, but to be held by a tyrant was even worse. He had read the Doctor's report on Sarah's condition after he had examined her. She had several traces of injuries, including being sexually assaulted, and the possibility that she was pregnant. The Doctor was waiting a few more days to run that test, let her get acquainted with the ship again. She was already in distress, and the Doctor, or Kes rather, had pointed out that a pregnancy test would only cause more. Sarah's time on Gerroa Prime had been no picnic. He had seen the emotional trauma it had caused in sickbay three days before. It terrified him where it was leading her.

To make matters worse Chakotay wasn't sure who qualified to counsel her. His natural choice and first choice would have been Kathryn, she seemed to have a good rapport with the young woman, but she was emotionally traumatized herself. Sighing, he wished the answers would come easier to him.

"Good afternoon, Commander," Neelix greeted him cheerily as he entered the turbolift with him.

Chakotay looked at their chef. "Neelix," he greeted solemnly.

"Everything alright Commander? You seem preoccupied."

"Lots on my mind I suppose."

"You and everyone else."

"How _is_ the crew holding up?"

"Anxious. No one has seen Lieutenant Barrett since she came back. They're all worried about her," Neelix answered. "Has anyone been to see her?"

"Kes has checked on her, but she refuses to see anyone else," Chakotay said with a frown.

Neelix screwed his face up. "With all due respect, sir, shouldn't we be disregarding that order?"

Chakotay shook his head. "We need to give her her space. She needs to garner some trust."

"Trust? We're her friends, Commander, she should already trust us!"

"She's gone through severe emotional trauma, her psyche doesn't know how to trust right now," Chakotay said leaving the conversation at that and stepping out of the turbolift on deck three. As he walked he briefly looked at Kathryn's door. He had waited three days for her to explain herself but to no avail. His conversation with Neelix had made his patience even thinner than it already was.

He pressed her door chime.

Surprisingly she allowed him admittance. He found her buzzing around her quarters, coffee cup in hand, status report in the other. "Oh good, you must have read my mind; I was just about to call you and ask for you to join me. We have some things to go over. I think the shield modifications are more power conservative than our original ones. Tell B'Elanna she can keep them."

"Ah yes ma'am."

"Also, have Neelix draft a supply list, we're going to open trade negotiations with the Nydians. Thankfully your little outburst the other day didn't do any damage," Kathryn said, sipping her coffee.

Chakotay blinked. Was she lecturing him about showing aliens who was the boss? "I'm sorry, we've all be under a bit of stress."

"Next time, use a stress ball."

"A what?"

"Never mind. How many hours has the Prime Minsiter given us before we start negotations?"

"Commander Tuvok reports six hours."

Kathryn took a large swig of coffee from her mug. "I'll beam to the surface once at that time, I'll take a security detail with me. I've already Kes to beam down, I'm sure the Doctor is going to want the crew that stayed behind on Nydia examined before returning to the ship."

Chakotay was irked that she so casually threw off her children like that and hadn't even bothered to join Kes on the surface while their nurse made sure the crew was fit to transport back to the ship. It would be the first time in almost a week that Kathryn had seen them, and with the way she left them, he had a feeling they hadn't taken the separation so well. She kept talking before he could say another word.

"Speaking of the Doctor, Harry drafted a plan for the new activation sequence; he'll install the new subroutines once all the repairs are complete."

He noticed that she refused to acknowledge why the Doctor needed the power to control his own activation sequence. She was avoiding the subject of her children completely because she knew where he stood on her abrupt abandonment of them. "Sounds good," he said, coolly.

"Something wrong Commander?"

"Permission to speak freely?"

Kathryn knew she was probably about to open a can of worms but she said yes anyways.

"Your isolation from the crew is only making you put off facing what happened. Since leaving the children behind on Nydia you haven't mentioned them by name and I have yet to see any reports on what happened on Gerroa Prime," Chakotay replied, narrowing his eyes slightly.

"I've decided to let both Sarah and Tom heal a little before they issue reports. I'm not sure if Sarah will ever be ready for that."

"What about you?"

She averted her eyes. "I walked into the wrong room and Dellon Casius stabbed me. There isn't much else to report."

"If you had informed us of your intentions, perhaps you wouldn't have been in that room," Chakotay snapped.

"This is what this is all about, isn't it? You're upset that I didn't inform you about my plans."

"I'm not upset, I'm furious."

"Noted, is that all?"

He shook his head fiercely. "No, I'm not done yet. What you did was reckless, irrational, and if we were back in the Alpha Quadrant, Starfleet would be investigating you for possible mental instability! Kathryn, it was a suicide mission, and don't tell me you didn't realize that when you agreed to it!" Chakotay argued. "This crew would wither and die without you. And what was I supposed to tell your children? Sorry, I let your mother go on a mission that was destined to kill her."

Kathryn glared at him. "This crew has done enough, sacrificed enough already. I couldn't ask them to sacrifice anymore."

"But you were asking them to sacrifice, you were asking them to sacrifice you. Kathryn, sometimes you have to put yourself first."

"Starfleet captains don't have that luxury."

His gaze grew dark. "Starfleet captains in the Alpha Quadrant, maybe, but out here, where the crew depends so much on you, you have to think about the consequences of your actions!"

Kathryn deepened her glare into a death glare. "Are you quite done lecturing me like a child in _my_ quarters?"

"Not unless you promise never to keep me in the dark like that again," Chakotay said. "And you have to really mean it Kathryn."

"Very well," she said, "I admit that I made an error in judgment and I promise, I will never keep you in the dark like that again-unless I see fit."

Chakotay realized that this was the best he was going to get. But between the two of them they knew it wasn't going to end here. Someday they would be having this conversation again. And that frightened him. He opened his mouth to argue some more when they were interrupted by a voice over the comline.

" _Captain, the Nydians are ready to transport the children, Crewman Celes, and Ensign Wildman back to the ship,"_ Harry Kim's voice said. " _Shall I inform the transporter room to wait until you arrive, ma'am?"_

Kathryn had forgotten that she had requested that she be notified when the Nydians were ready to transport the others back to _Voyager._ It had already been unfair of her to abandon Michael and Ava like she did, it would be even more unfair if she didn't greet them in the transporter room. Turning slightly away from Chakotay she pressed her combadge. "Yes, I'll be there in a moment, Mister Kim. Thank you for notifying me. Janeway out." She lowered her head for a moment and took a deep breath. Focusing on the stars beyond her viewport, she said softly, "I appreciate your concerns Chakotay. But you have to understand that I thought I was doing what was best for this crew."

"You honestly think sacrificing yourself is best?"

"No, but if it meant that none of them had to die, then yes."

"Kathryn, I swear, if you ever pull a stunt like that again, I'll have your command codes permanently restricted."

A sad grin formed on her face. "I thought you said the crew would be devastated if they lost me."

"I'm your first officer, if throwing you in the brig is the only way to protect you, then so be it," Chakotay snapped playfully.

She laid the palm of her hand on his chest and smiled sweetly. Their eyes met for the briefest of seconds, "Thank you," she whispered before slipping out of the room quietly. She heard him exit behind her, but move in the other direction, possibly to make his way back to the bridge. Closing her eyes for a moment she tried to capture that look between them and hold onto it. For a few seconds she wasn't his commanding officer, his wasn't her subordinate, they were just two people; two people that were beginning to care for each other more than protocol would allow. Snapping her eyes open she entered the lift and called out her destination hastily. If it were another time or place, Kathryn realized, she might not hesitate, but protocol was protocol and hadn't they just argued about what was best for the ship? Surely the Captain getting involved with her first officer wasn't in their best interests.

Kathryn stepped into the transporter room with this thought lingering. "Ensign," she ordered the young man at the controls, "energize." She waited patiently while the transporter whined to life and deposited four humans onto the pad.

"Mommy!" a bright toddler's voice cried out.

Immediately Ava was doing her best to jump off the pad and run to her mother. Kathryn knelt to her level and scoped her daughter up into her arms. "Hi baby," she choked into the little girl's hair. "Did you miss me?"

Ava pulled away and studied her mother's face for a moment. "Yes. Where you go?"

"On a mission."

"You back now?"

"Yes. I'm back now."

"Until you have to go away again and leave us on some other dumb planet," Michael said, angrily.

Kathryn was startled by his hostile tone. "I didn't want you getting hurt." _I wasn't going to be held responsible for your death. Not if I could prevent it._

"You didn't even say good bye!"

"I know, I'm sorry honey. But you have to understand..."

"I wish we never had come with you! I wish Daddy was still alive! He wouldn't have just left us!" Michael cried, bolting off of the transporter pad and out of the room.

Kathryn sat there, arms tightly wrapped about Ava, struggling to maintain control. She should have expected something like this, she should have known that Michael wasn't going to let her off the hook so easily. He had already been upset with her before he left, afraid that she was going to die and _leave_ him. And there she was, placing him on a transporter pad and shipping him off while she flew into a dangerous region of space. As she buried her face against Ava's hair she realized that she had only made her personal problems worse, not better.

* * *

Tom Paris was starving. He had slept most of the afternoon thanks to the pain killers, but his rumbling stomach had finally woken him up around sixteen hundred hours. Crawling out of bed he got dressed in a simple button down shirt and khaki pants and decided that he didn't want to eat alone. Neelix had expressed his concerns that Sarah wasn't eating and hadn't left her quarters since returning. Tom promised that he would help once he was feeling a bit better. Today his back didn't hurt nearly as much as it had yesterday or the day before that. Taking a deep breath he decided it was time to get Sarah on the path to healing, even if he had to push her out the door.

He didn't talk to many people on his stroll to her quarters, many simply nodded their heads or asked him how he was feeling. There was no doubt in Tom's mind that the crew was still suffering tremendously from all that had taken place the past five weeks. A month long ordeal, with a never knowing atmosphere. He didn't blame them for not wanting to speak to him. They needed to heal just as much as he did or Sarah or even Captain Janeway. Neelix had also mentioned that Janeway was keeping to herself as well. It was the Talaxian's hope that once the children were back on board she would come around. Tom was still having trouble grasping the notion that Janeway had left them behind.

Stepping up to Sarah's quarter's he pressed the door chime. There was no response and it made him a little agitated. Sarah hadn't left her quarters for anything, with the exception of going to see the Doctor in sickbay. What was she doing? He pressed the chime again and got no response. "Computer, locate Lieutenant Barrett."

" _Lieutenant Barrett is in her quarters."_

"Sarah?" he said through the comline, "are you alright?"

Again there was nothing but silence and he was growing increasingly more nervous. Sure she had ignored him in the past, but that was before she had spent five weeks in captivity. Something was wrong. He used his security overrides to open the door and stepped inside. What he saw was not what he had expected to find. Sarah was sitting on her bed, dripping wet from a bath or shower, wearing absolutely nothing.

Tom grabbed a blanket off of her chaise lounge and rushed to wrap it around her. "What are you doing? You'll catch a cold sitting here like this."

Sarah stared blankly at the wall. "I didn't know what to wear."

"What?" Tom asked, rubbing her shoulder's gently as he sat on the bed with her.

"On Gerroa Prime if I wasn't dressed to his satisifaction he'd hit me until I got it right."

Tom felt his anger boiling. "It doesn't matter what you wear on _Voyager._ No one is going to beat you up over it."

"I didn't know what to wear, Tom," she cried, looking at him with tear filled eyes. "I didn't know what to do. I didn't want anyone to be disappointed in me."

He gathered her into his arms and held her tight. The path to healing suddenly got longer, rockier, as he soothed her, letting her wet hair soak through his shirt while she cried. Tom realized then, that it was going to take a lot more than a few meals in the mess hall to get Sarah down that path, if she ever did make it. There was a possibility that she may never heal from her time on Gerroa Prime. "Sarah, he's dead," Tom reassured her. "I promise, he can't hurt you anymore. We'll get through this together. Remember, I'm not about to leave you when the going gets tough."

It had quite possible gotten the toughest that either them were ever going to see. _Voyager,_ as a whole, had a lot of healing to do.


	5. A Wish to Dream

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was inspired by the song "Broken" by Lifehouse, if you'd heard the song, you know this isn't going to be a happy story...but really were you expecting happy from me? My normal warnings apply as usual, this is not P/T, is J/C .

" _The time is zero six hundred hours."_

She didn't need the computer to tell her what time it was or that she needed to get up. She had been awake since she got back from her duty shift. Sarah Barrett laid on her bed looking up at the drab ceiling of her quarters listening to the computer drone on in her unemotional voice. _To be emotion free, it would be wonderful,_ Sarah thought as she told the computer to reset the alarm for twenty four hours. Sighing heavily, she pulled her tired form off of the bed and went into her bathroom. She had laid her dress uniform out the night before, today she was meeting with the Ambassador from the Ionas Consortium and assisting Captain Kathryn Janeway in first contact. If everything went well than _Voyager_ would have enough dilithium to last them six months. It was a prospect that Janeway couldn't pass up and B'Elanna Torres would kill for.

Sarah activated the sonic shower and stripped down out of her lounge pants and tank top. Briefly she caught a glimpse of her reflection in the mirror. The bruises had all but gone now, nothing but yellowed discolorations of her creamy skin. The cuts were nothing but puffy pink scars, that with one more dermal regeneration treatment would be gone.

The emotional bruises were still there. It was why she couldn't sleep. She hadn't slept since coming back on board _Voyager_ six days ago. When she went for her check ups in sickbay she would sneak a stimulant before returning to duty. The Doctor was oblivious to this crime because he was too excited about his new subroutines that allowed him to deactivate himself. When he was done with Sarah he would smile smugly and call out the order before shimmering out of existence. Kes was always in and out so she never noticed Sarah giving herself an extra dose of medicine.

No one suspected, not even Tom, who was the only one she was allowing to see her outside of duty. The rest were all too relieved to have found her alive to take too much notice to her isolation.

She stepped out of the shower and began to dress. The first time she had showered, a real water shower, she had stepped out and panicked. She didn't know what to wear. She wasn't on duty and the last time she had picked an outfit Dellon Casius had hated it and beat her until she had dressed more to his likening. Not knowing what to do she had curled up onto her bed, dripping wet, staring at the drawers. Tom had found her this way and helped her pick out clothes, assuring her that it didn't matter what she wore. She silently admitted to herself that she was glad she had to put on a damn uniform everyday, it took away the potential for more embarrassing panic attacks.

"Computer, lights at seventy-five percent illumination."

The computer beeped a response and the light to the main cabin came up. Sarah made her way into her living area and headed for the replicator. She stared at it for several moments, decided that she wasn't hungry, and ordered a cup of hot coffee. With the mug in one hand and a PADD in the other Sarah sat down to catch up with her work until it was time to meet the others in the transporter room to greet the Ambassador's party. Janeway had told her she could sit this one out, that it was okay if she needed more time, but Sarah didn't want more time to dwell on her abuse, on her rape; she just wanted to forget about it. With a final straightening of her science blue dress uniform Sarah made her way out into the corridor towards the turbolift.

As she walked she could feel the coffee she had just consumed kicking in along with the stimulant she had taken at zero three hundred hours. With any luck it would keep her going until well after the luncheon that Neelix had prepared. She could refuel on coffee there. She was hoping that the lift ride to deck four would be in silence, but she had no such luck. The doors swished open on deck five and Tom Paris entered with Harry Kim.

Tom raised an eyebrow and glanced at Harry. "They're busting out the fine linens for this Ambassador."

"Captain Janeway wants to make a good impression. We haven't made a lot of friends out here," Sarah retorted.

"Blowing up things will have that affect you know," Tom said with a shrug. "Bridge," he ordered the computer.

The lift whirred to life and began to climb again. When Sarah stepped out of the lift on the next deck Tom made some off handed comment that he was glad to be on the bridge all day and not have to partake in any of the festivities. She made a mental note to request Tom to be on the "Welcoming Committee" for the next first contact mission. One day sitting in session after session of diplomacy and he would run screaming back to the bridge. That would teach him real quick, she thought vindictively as she stepped into the transporter room.

Neelix was nervously fretting about. Chakotay and Janeway were not present yet. Sarah decided to lean patiently against the wall and watch as their Talaxian guide paced the length of the room. Before, she would have tried to calm him, but now, she found she wanted very little interaction with other members of the crew.

"I've left Tuvok a shore leave schedule," Commander Chakotay's voice said as he walked through the doors just slightly behind Kathryn Janeway. "Tom and Harry have agreed to take Ava and Michael off of Tal's hands for a few hours, God help the rest of us," he said with a wry grin.

Janeway grunted. "Michael's been pretty bitter since returning, I wish them luck." She nodded her head at the transporter chief. The transporter whined to life and a blue shimmer appeared for a few seconds replaced by the solid bodies of Ambassador Janari and her officials. The Ionasan woman was dressed in a white, draped gown, which made her navy blue skin look even bluer. Her male officials were dressed in simple red uniforms. The Ambassador was a tall, lanky woman, almost stood at eye level with Chakotay and her indigo hair was piled on top of her head in a large bun. She smiled broadly and stepped off the transporter pad.

"Captain Janeway we meet at least," Ambassador Janari greeted.

"Ambassador, welcome to _Voyager,_ " Janeway replied warmly. "My First Officer Commander Chakotay and Ship's Counselor, Lieutenant Sarah Barrett."

"Lieutenant Barrett...we weren't expecting you to be well enough for these meetings," Ambassador Janari said, surprised to see her.

Sarah gritted her teeth. She wasn't surprised that half the sector knew about her time with Dellon Casius and the Gerroan. "My time with the Gerroan has been wildly embellished from one person to the next. It wasn't as serious as it has been made out to be."

Chakotay visibly winced at her cold assessment of her captivity. He noticed that Neelix looked appalled, but Janeway kept her command mask in place.

"Well, we're delighted then that you could join us," Janari said, beaming. " _Voyager's_ reputation precedes you Captain. My people are a peaceful people; we'd rather not get involved in other species' quests to annihilate one another, however, your firm stance on what the Gerroan were doing to the Kreyole make me believe that you are indeed a moral people and therefore worth taking time out of my busy life style to get to know you."

"That's wonderful to hear, Ambassador," Janeway said with a smile. "Mister Neelix, our guide is going to prepare a luncheon for us, but for the time being I'd thought we'd give you a tour of the ship and then head up to our briefing room to begin discussing our alliance."

She gestured for the party of Ionasans to follow her and she began the tour of the ship. Sarah stayed close to Janeway in case she needed any advice but the Captain seemed to be handling the situation nicely and if she was at a loss for something to say Chakotay would slid right in and offer a new conversation piece. The Ambassador's party was impressed with the warp core, asking Lieutenant Torres at least thirty questions before the Captain politely informed them that B'Elanna had a mission to prepare for. She would be leaving with Harry Kim later that day to search the nearby moons and asteroids for resources. Their shuttle had been packed last night.

They spent the next three hours showing the Ionasans the holodeck and how it worked, the science lab, Stellar Cartography, and even the school room where Michael Janeway and Ava Janeway were playing in a sensory table. Michael pretended to be uninterested in their guests while Ava dropped what she was doing and went to study them with intense eyes. She even asked the Ambassador, much to her mother's embarrassment, if she was cold, because her skin was blue. Sarah saw Chakotay suppress a chuckle while Janeway's eyes went wide and her cheeks flushed pink. The Ambassador on the other hand found the toddler to be utterly enthralling and answered all of her questions.

Their last stop was the bridge, where Tuvok was ruling with a steady and calm hand. Their guests seemed impressed with the efficiency of the bridge crew.

Janeway introduced the rest of her senior staff and the Ambassador wondered how she could keep track of all of them.

"We manage," Janeway said with a smile, directing them into the briefing room.

Sarah was the last one to enter the briefing room and was shocked to find that Neelix had decked it out "to the nines" as Tom would say. Their chef was beaming with enthusiasm as he told the group all the courses he had prepared and how he had decided to host the luncheon in the briefing room so talks wouldn't have to stop. Needless to say the Ambassador looked impressed. Sarah found her stomach lurch. The room were Casius had taken advantage of her had been a decked out conference room of some sort. Neelix of course would not have known this because she hadn't mentioned the incident to anyone.

For the most part Sarah kept silent during the opening exchanges, only nodding her head and offering advice when Janeway requested that she do so. In fact her little interaction was startling to both her commanding officers. However, it wasn't the time or place to question her on it.

Besides, Chakotay thought, the talks were going so well even without Sarah's guidance. When she did offer advise up it was done in a cold, emotionless manner, nothing that Janeway or himself were accustomed too when it came to their counselor. She had started to blossom into a bright officer that had now been squashed by her captivity. He had tried to speak to Kathryn about Sarah's isolation but the Captain had her own demons from the Battle of Gerroa Prime. And now as he looked at both of them he could still see the strain in their eyes. Oh, they were good at hiding it from their faces, perhaps a trait that both had learned from their Admiral fathers; but they couldn't hide it completely from the people that knew them the best.

Sarah became more restless as the talks dragged on. She wanted to get out of that room. It felt like the walls were closing in around her the more Janeway spoke with the Ambassador. It wasn't the room were the vicious attack had happened, but it began to take on similarities that were frightening. The smell of the food, the way the Ambassador's officials' laughed; she was suddenly underneath the table cowering in fear, Casius' hands reaching for her.

Instinctively she kicked back and swung her fist out in defense, hysterically screaming, "Don't touch me!"

There was an unfamiliar squeal of pain by her side and she turned to see one of the Ambassador's officials holding his nose, indigo blood seeping through his blue fingers.

Gasping, her eyes went wide with horror. "Oh no! I'm sorry!" Sarah cried, exhaustion finally winning the battle as she turned towards a stunned Janeway. "I'm sorry Captain...I...I didn't...I didn't mean too!" Tears of frustration ran down her cheeks and she saw the Captain silently nod her head at Chakotay, who announced that now would be a good time to go and tour sickbay. Sarah plopped down into her chair and buried her face into her hands and cried.

The shuffling of feet died down behind her as Chakotay led the Ambassador and her party out of the room towards the turbolift. When the door had hissed shut she felt Janeway sit down next to her.

"I think perhaps you were too eager to come back to duty," the older woman said patiently.

"The Doctor cleared me," Sarah snapped between gulps.

"Physically, yes, but I'm not sure emotionally," Janeway said. "Normally an officer would need both the clearance from their doctor and from their counselor before returning to active duty, I'm not sure who qualifies here to give you that clearance. Certainly not the Doctor, he has no grasp on emotions himself. Chakotay expressed his concerns, but I waved them off; I was blinded by the fact that we hadn't lost you after all."

"I'm fine."

"I don't think you are."

"I'm edgy today, but it's nothing, Captain," Sarah insisted, gaining her composure.

Janeway looked at her sadly. "Don't lie to me Sarah. I know it wasn't easy those five weeks away from _Voyager._ It wasn't easy for _Voyager._ This entire crew has healing to do and you'd be better off opening up then bottling it all inside before you explode. Take my advice, it's not a pretty sight." _You've been down this road before, don't you remember what it did to you?_ "Take the rest of the day off, log some holodeck time, beam down to the surface, or read a good book, that's an order," she added for good measure.

Sarah nodded her head and whispered, "Yes ma'am," before rising from her seat and leaving the briefing room. As she stepped onto the lift she felt very tired. It was time for another trip to sickbay.

* * *

Harry Kim dropped his equipment bag into the forward cabin of a type nine shuttle craft. "Sorry I'm late," he muttered to his travel companion, B'Elanna Torres. "The Janeway children took more time to entertain then Tom and I anticipated."

"So it went well then," B'Elanna said with a little grin.

"Let's just say I'm no where near ready to have kids yet," Harry retorted.

B'Elanna chuckled and finished up their preflight routines. "Come on Harry, it couldn't have been that bad. I'll admit the Captain's children are a little rambunctious and get into my systems far more than I would like them too, but can you imagine _Voyager_ without them? I for one think it would be downright boring."

" _Voyager,_ boring? Now there are two words that don't belong together in a sentence."

She agreed. It seemed that since they had been pulled into this quadrant there hadn't been a moment's worth of peace. Something always seemed to go wrong and Chell seemed to think that they were cursed from the beginning. _Cardassian spies, dying entities, aliens intent on killing each other; you have to wonder Lieutenant Torres if there is some higher power against us,_ he would always say to her when the start of a new crisis was upon them. B'Elanna wasn't so sure they were cursed, after all there had been a lot of good things to happen as well. They had made friends, seen interstellar phenomenon that no other starship could boast about, and on more than one occasion had been lucky when it came to causalities. By right there was no way Sarah Barrett should have come back from Gerroan space. It made B'Elanna wondered if fate was looking out for them. "All set to go," she announced. "The Ionasans were kind enough to program the coordinates of their moon where we can mine the dilithium."

Harry smiled. "Great. This should make the trip a lot faster."

"Don't like spending time with me Harry?"

He blushed. "No, it's not that...it's just that Ionas is beautiful and I want to spend more time there...without the having to play the babysitter part."

B'Elanna tried to hide her disappoint in a sly smile. "Nice cover up Starfleet."

"It's not a cover up," Harry said. "I really do enjoy spending time with you, in fact, I don't think we get to spend enough time together, so, I was thinking...when we get back...you could join me...on Ionas for some shoreleave."

She cocked an eyebrow. "Your buddy Tom Paris won't be upset? I know he likes to spend shoreleave time doing male bonding."

Harry shrugged his shoulders. "He'll deal." The truth was Tom had been the one to tell Harry that he wouldn't be going on shoreleave with his best friend. Even though he was pretending that the attack on Gerroa Prime wasn't affecting him, Harry could tell that it was. Tom had not been himself since returning. He hadn't even been formally reprimanded for taking off in the shuttle like that. Perhaps Captain Janeway felt that she had deceived them too and there fore couldn't punish Tom without punishing herself. Harry had tried to get Tom to talk about what happened on the planet, but Tom seemed intent on just forgetting it. Besides, he was more worried about Sarah than his own mental state. Sarah was an entirely different story. She never even left her quarters except to go to sickbay or duty.

" _Shuttle craft Arizona you have permission to take off,"_ Janeway's voice said over the com. " _Good luck, Lieutenant."_

"Acknowledged, we'll see you in three days," B'Elanna replied, before guiding the shuttle out of the shuttle bay.

They jumped to warp, leaving the shining planet and _Voyager_ behind them. She had to admit she was glad to be getting off of the ship for a few days. Being Chief Engineer had it's perks of course, but it also had its downfalls. Even though she had the power to designate duties, she was also cursed with having to fix every little problem that surfaced. _Now Joe can handle it for a few days,_ she thought leaning back in her chair. "It feels good not to be chased, or under cloak, or in the middle of a war," she commented.

Harry chuckled. "It's been so long, I'd forgotten what it was like not to be under attack."

"Can I ask you a question?"

"Sure."

"Do you think this whole trying to get home idea is crazy, or do you think we should try to find an M class planet somewhere and settle down?"

Harry looked at with a puzzled look. "That's a deep thought, what brought that around?"

B'Elanna shrugged her shoulders. "We nearly lost Sarah because of sticking our business into something that didn't concern us. How many more people are we going to lose, Harry, before it really starts to come unraveled? We have plenty of people, we could start our own community. Who knows, maybe someday the Federation will have technology that will get them all the way here and back a whole lot faster and we can go home. I'm just not sure anymore if its worth risking our necks."

"I don't know about you, but I sure as hell miss my mom's cooking, and the bay at night in the summer," Harry said, "I want to get home."

"Even if that means losing people you care for?"

"I guess that depends on how many people we lose."

"Don't you think we've lost enough already?"

"Of course, losing one person is too many, but we all knew the risks coming in."

"I want to go home, but sometimes I'm afraid of what lies ahead."

Harry was astounded to hear her admit to fear. She always pretended to be so tough, so Klingon formidable that it wasn't very often that she bore her soul. He decided to shut up and listen to her. "We're all afraid of that," he said, softly, "it's called the future."

B'Elanna scoffed. "The future," she hissed. "It wasn't so rosy, remember, you sent Ava Janeway back in time yourself to change it. She _lost_ everyone Harry, by the time she was five years old her entire family was dead. Do you want that to happen again?"

"It isn't going to happen, we know about it now."

"You can't manipulate fate."

"No but I can land a shuttle," he teased. "While we've been debating the finer points of life we almost missed our stop."

They pulled out of warp and in front of them was a vibrant green and blue moon. B'Elanna was happy to see that the sensors were picking up kilotons of dilithium. Even if they only got a third of that they could boast the reserves by fifty percent. She smiled as Harry guided the shuttle down and felt better that she had told him the truth about how she felt since Gerroan space. Sarah had always told her it wasn't good to bottle it all up inside because that's usually how and when she exploded. She had to admit it had did have a calming affect. But it only seemed to work with Harry. Sarah frustrated her with her cryptic questions whenever B'Elanna's counseling session came up and Chakotay just down right infuriated her when she opened up to him like this. She shook her head. It didn't make sense that two people she should feel calmed by only made her worse. The shuttle shook slightly.

"Just some atmospheric turbulence," Harry announced. "Nothing serious."

Suddenly it sounded like some plating ripped off their hull. "That was _nothing serious_?" B'Elanna questioned, sitting up straight. "Damn, we lost a whole section of the shuttle's hull plating." She ran her fingers over the controls swiftly. "We're going to have to land or we'll break apart."

"Already on it," Harry said, guiding the shuttle down through the turbulent atmosphere. "Hold on!"

B'Elanna gripped the edge of her seat tightly as the shuttle bucked and swayed all the way down to the surface of the moon. It wasn't a smooth landing, they were both nearly flung form their seats when the shuttle impacted with the dry earth. She quickly accessed the senors to see if there was anyway they were going to be able to take off. Frowning, she turned towards Harry. "Engines are off line, as well as weapons and shields. We won't be able to take off. Send a message to _Voyager,_ by the time we finish collecting dilithium they should be able to pick us up."

Harry wasn't paying attention to her.

"Harry," she snapped, "did you hear anything I just said?"

"B'Elanna, I thought the Ionasans said that this moon was uninhabited?"

"They did, why?"

"Because, I'm picking up life signs."

She looked at her own sensors and confirmed his readings. Her mouth hung open a moment as more information was gathered. "Kahless," she breathed," they're human!"

Harry shook his head. "I'm also reading a Federation signature. I can't tell if it's from a combadge or a shuttle or what...it's too far away. Are the transporters working?"

"They are, what are you proposing?"

"That we beam to the sight."

"Harry, we don't know what's out there."

He was already on his feet grabbing a tricorder, a medkit, and a phaser. "They're human life signs B'Elanna. We can't ignore it. Besides, they could use our help, if they've had anything like the experience we've had."

"We came here for dilithium," she reminded him.

"Which we'll mine once we investigate," Harry replied.

B'Elanna had little choice but to go with him. She set the coordinates for the transporter into the computer and soon they were taken away from their disabled shuttle to a patch of defense forest. At first all she could see was the hull of a runabout, it definitely wasn't _Voyager's,_ the ship didn't have a runabout, not to mention, Harry and B'Elanna were the only away team out at present time. _Could the Caretaker have taken more people from the Alpha Quadrant that we didn't know about?_ She flipped her tricorder open. "The life signs are coming from that runabout."

"It looks like it's in rough shape," Harry observed, his own tricorder opened. "There's lots of structural damage as well as systems' damage."

"I'm not picking up any signs of weapon's fire, it looks like they had a system malfunction that caused them to crash," B'Elanna reported. "I won't know for sure until I take a look inside." She closed her tricorder down and started walking towards the fallen runabout but was startled when something small, an animal perhaps jumped out in front of her. She yelped in shock and jumped backwards.

So, it came as a great surprise to her when that little animal in front of her spoke. "Everyone come quick! Starfleet's sent someone to take us home!"

* * *

"Have you been eating?" the Doctor asked her sharply.

Sarah Barrett frowned and tried to give him a look of astonishment. "Of course, why would you even ask that question Doctor?"

The hologram scowled. "Because, you've lost weight since coming back on board _Voyager._ If you lose any more it could start to become detrimental to your health. And quite frankly, a woman in your condition should be gaining weight." He shook his head furiously for a moment. "It won't do you any good, or your baby any good if you're not eating."

She fidgeted about on the biobed for a moment. "I haven't been that hungry," she lied. "I promise I'll try to do better."

"I don't want promises, Lieutenant," the Doctor snapped, "I want action."

"Are you going to order me to the mess hall or something, because I'm tired of being ordered around when it comes to my health," Sarah argued.

"Captain Janeway has perfectly logical reasons for wanting you off duty," the hologram responded. "You nearly broke that official's nose."

Sarah crossed her arms over her chest. _He had to bring that up?_ She thought as she stared at the floor. As if it wasn't bad enough that she was pregnant with a monster's child, that very few people on the crew knew about, but she had panicked in a diplomatic meeting and punched a government official when he was trying to be polite by pulling her chair out for her. _Damn damn damn,_ she cursed silently, closing her eyes. She was probably lucky that Janeway hadn't ordered her into the brig. Maybe that's where she belonged. "Can I go now?" she asked, opening her eyes and looking right at the Doctor.

His brow furrowed. "Only if you promise to go straight to the mess hall."

"Fine, I promise."

"Good," the Doctor said with a nod of his head. "If you'll excuse me. Computer, deactivate EMH."

Sarah watched as he shimmered out of existence before hopping down off the biobed and heading into the lab where she knew the Doctor kept all his extra medications. Sooner or later, she realized, he was going to come to the conclusion that she was stealing the stimulants, but she really didn't care. In fact, she didn't care much about anything it seemed as she pressed the hypospray to her neck. She felt the instant jolt take over and decided that perhaps she would follow up on Janeway's order to log some holodeck time.

"What are you doing back here?" Tom Paris' voice asked.

Sarah jumped, startled and dropped the hypospray. "Oh...the Doctor asked me to fill some of these hyposprays."

Tom quirked an eyebrow. "Isn't that Kes' job?"

"She's in her garden right now."

"What would the Doc need stimulants for?" he asked, giving her a questionable look as he picked the hypospray up off the floor. "Sarah, have you been taking these?" Sarah tried to divert her eyes and but he took her face in his free hand and forced her to look at him. His was angry and worried all at the same time. "Damn it, Sarah, tell me the truth. Have you been using these?"

Tears clouded her vision. They slipped down her cheeks as she fumbled for an answer. She had been able to lie to Janeway, to Chakotay, to the Doctor, but she couldn't lie to him, at least not completely. "I'm having trouble sleeping through the night. The stimulants are helping to keep me a wake. I swear, Tom, I've only taken one a day since being back. Captain Janeway probably drinks more coffee than that in one hour."

"True, but she isn't pregnant. This could hurt the baby."

"I don't care," she hissed.

"How can you say that? It's your child!"

"Do you think I want to be pregnant with _his_ child?"

Tom felt his heart lurch. So much pain for one person to sort out. He was sure that her hormones were not helping matters either. He wiped at the tears that had managed to slip out of her eyes and down her cheeks. "Listen, we've had this discussion before. Everything will work out in the end. You just have to trust me." He placed the hypospray down on a nearby tray and moved to hug her. She pushed him away.

"I don't want your pity Tom," she cried angrily. "I don't want anyone's pity."

With that she turned on her heel and stormed out of the room. Prompting Tom to log into the computer to see just how many stimulants she had replicated or were missing since she had returned. Dismayed at what he found, he realized he only had one choice now; bring his findings to Captain Janeway.


	6. Chapter 6

Kathryn Janeway shifted uncomfortably in her desk chair desperately trying to get into a position so her neck wasn't aching. Moving around made the pain worse she realized as she looked down at the reason for her discomfort. Twenty month old Ava snuggled against her, sleeping peaceful. _At least one of us is comfortable,_ Kathryn thought as she stroked the baby's soft cheek for a moment. In fact, Ava had been comfortable since lunch time, when the Captain had tried to spend a little bonding time with her daughter only to have her whine the whole meal. Ava had immediately fallen asleep after that in her mother's lap.

_So much for an afternoon of bonding with my daughter,_ Kathryn mused as she went back to work on several status reports that she had neglected the past few days in a desperate attempt to make amends with her son. So far it had always ended in disaster. Ava was more receptive to her attempts at closing the gap and was insisting to eat lunch with Kathryn whenever she could. Kathryn, feeling guilty about leaving them behind on Nydia, had forgone protocol and allowed Ava to dilly-dally around in her ready room. In the last few days Kathryn had learned some startling things about her daughter. Ava's vocabulary was increasing everyday and she had shocked her mother when she had properly asked for ice cream. Kathryn was also surprised to learn that Ava could recite her ABC's and count up to twenty.

Chakotay had told her once that Ava was smarter than any of them gave her credit for. Kathryn was beginning to believe him. Ava stirred now as the door chimed. Large blue eyes opened to glare at her mother.

Kathryn frowned. "It's not _my_ fault," she told the child, "come in."

Tom Paris anxiously walked through the door, clutching tightly to a PADD. "I'm sorry to disturb you Captain, but...there's something that I wish to speak to you about."

"It's alright Tom," Kathryn said with a wave of her hand. She plopped her own PADD down onto her desk and watched as Ava slid off of her lap and moved towards the replicator.

"I want juice," Ava declared, pointing at the replicator.

Kathryn stood up and moved towards the replicator, glancing over her shoulder at Tom. He appeared nervous and upset, something that Kathryn wasn't used to seeing from him. She ordered the replicator to create a sippy cup of apple juice before turning about to hand the cup to Ava. "What can I do for you Tom?"

He fixated on watching Ava drink her juice hungrily before thrusting the PADD into Kathryn's hand. "I'm worried about Sarah, Captain. I think she's in more trouble than any of us have been led to believe."

"I'm not sure what I'm looking at," Kathryn said, gazing at the PADD.

"It's the inventory list for stimulants in sickbay."

"Stimulants?"

"Yes ma'am."

Kathryn's eyes narrowed for a moment. "There's a lot missing, Lieutenant. Are you suggesting that Sarah's the one using them all?" _Could I really have been that blind? She had a problem with drug addiction in the past, Gabriel warned me of a relapse._

Tom nodded his head slowly. "I caught her in sickbay ten minutes ago. She told me she was only using one a day, to help her stay awake, apparently she hasn't been sleeping well. I didn't quite believe her so I checked the inventory logs...she's taken as many as it takes to stay away, right through the night Captain." He swallowed some bile that had risen in his throat. "How much of her health do you know about Captain?"

"Her health?" Kathryn repeated. She was perplexed. "The Doctor cleared her physically for duty."

"She's pregnant, Captain."

"Pregnant...why didn't the Doctor...or Sarah say something?" Kathryn gasped.

"Sarah can't accept it herself and the Doctor is bound by doctor/patient confidentiality," Tom replied with a sigh. "I only knew because she told me on Gerroa Prime."

Kathryn felt her heart breaking. Pregnancy was supposed to be a happy time, a time when two people who loved and cared for each other rejoiced in the knowledge that they had created a new life. Kathryn knew what it was like when that feeling was taken away from you. She hadn't felt joy when she learned she was pregnant with Ava, just an immense sorrow that her baby wasn't going to know her father. However, Sarah's feelings had to be entirely different; the pregnancy had been _forced_ upon her. "The stimulants will kill the baby."

"She doesn't care," Tom said.

The Captain took a sharp intake of her breath. She tapped the PADD he had given her onto her leg for a moment. "It's not our place, Tom, to tell her to keep her baby."

"If _she's_ the cause of her baby's death, I know later down the road she'll feel terrible about it," Tom snapped.

"What do you want me to do, Tom? Order her to either abort the pregnancy or to keep the baby?" Kathryn asked, shaking her head. "My hands are tied. As I'm sure the Doctor's are too. I can talk to her about the stimulants, but I can't force her to make a decision regarding her child. It has to be hers and hers alone."

Tom looked disheartened. "I understand, ma'am."

She moved to place a hand on his shoulder. "She's lucky to have you as a friend, Tom."

At that moment Tom wished he could believe her, but he couldn't. He had tried to push his own demons of what happened to him on Gerroa Prime from his mind to focus on Sarah, however, he too was waking up in the middle of the night from horrible dreams that ended in all three of them bleeding to death on the floor of that hospital ward, Casius laughing over them. It made him want to shiver now thinking about that dream. He turned his gaze to the floor. "Healing is easier said than done, Captain."

_Don't I know it,_ Kathryn thought sadly. "It's important that we see it through to the end, Tom. For all of us, for her especially."

"Is there an end, Captain?"

"I'd like to think that there is, Lieutenant."

Tom shook his head. "When I was at the prison, I saw some messed up people, bad things had happened to them, some of them terrible and the pain was too much to bear and they lashed out only to end up locked up for the rest of their lives. _There_ was no end for them Captain."

"Those people had no one Tom, absolutely no one to help them through their pain," Kathryn answered. "Sarah does, that's the difference."

He frowned and looked at her sadly. "I hope it's enough."

* * *

B'Elanna Torres almost fell over into the brush surrounding the damaged runabout, but thankfully Harry Kim grabbed her firmly by the arm and helped steadied her. Standing in front of her was a child no more than nine years old, bright green eyes and blond hair, looking at her eagerly. B'Elanna blinked. _Where the hell did she come from?_ Brushing some imaginary dirt from her uniform she glanced at Harry before speaking. "I'm Lieutenant B'Elanna Torres from the Starship _Voyager,_ what's your name?"

"Arissa Cook," the child replied, looking over her shoulder anxiously.

"Is that runabout yours?" Harry asked, pointing to the damaged ship.

"It's my parents'," Arissa replied.

"Where are they?" B'Elanna inquired.

"Our mother's dead and our father's been injured since we crashed here," another voice said.

B'Elanna and Harry watched as a teenage boy stepped through the brush and came to stand with Arissa. Even though the boy had darker colorings and brown eyes, the officers could see that these two were siblings. Their facial structure was almost identical. "Is it just the two of you and your father?" the Chief Engineer of _Voyager_ asked.

"There are two more scientists," the boy replied. "They're out and about collecting samples of the local plant life."

"How long have you been here?" Harry questioned.

"On the planet or in this quadrant?"

"How about both?"

The young man frowned slightly, recalling the events that led them here. "We were pulled into the Delta Quadrant almost two years ago; we've been stranded on this planet for about three days. We kept trying to send out a distress signal but we don't have the equipment to repair the communications array on the runabout."

B'Elanna looked at Harry for a moment. "When _Voyager_ gets here we should be able to salvage that runabout."

He nodded his head in agreement. "I can beam back to the shuttle and send another message to Captain Janeway, tell her that we've picked up some friends."

"Wait a minute, you aren't here to take us home?" the boy interjected.

"I'm afraid not," Harry said. "You see we were pulled into the Delta Quadrant almost six months ago. Starfleet has no idea we're out here, in fact, they probably think we were destroyed in the Badlands. You're welcome to come along for the ride though, I'm sure Captain Janeway wouldn't mind."

"My dad doesn't like Starfleet," the boy said, scowling. "He isn't going to want to work for some stuffy captain."

"Caleb, who are these people?" a Bajoran man asked joining the group.

"Starfleet officers from the starship _Voyager,_ " the boy, Caleb, answered.

The Bajoran sized the two officers up. "Val Cargen."

"Harry Kim, B'Elanna Torres," Harry introduced pointing to himself and then B'Elanna respectively. "Our shuttle crashed landed here and we picked up human life signs along with the runabout's signal; we came to investigate. Caleb was just giving us your story before you showed up."

Val scratched his chin for a moment. "I wanted to get out of the Federation, but not this far. Tell me something, how did a Starfleet vessel get out here?"

"An entity called the Caretaker."

"He was still alive six months ago?" Caleb asked, eyes wide.

"I take it you've met him," B'Elanna mused.

Val frowned. "Unfortunately, he was the one that decided to deposit us here. We were going to try and use the array to go back, but the Kazon had other ideas about letting us onto the station. We had no choice but to set a course for Earth hoping that we'd find another way home. I'm guessing the same thing happened to you."

Harry winced for a moment. "Something like that. The Kazon weren't too keen on the idea of us using the array either to get home, the Caretaker died while were still in orbit. Instead of letting the Kazon get their hands on the station...our captain decided to destroy the array."

"You destroyed it!" Caleb gasped.

"That was a blatant violation of the Prime Directive," Val pointed out.

_Wait until he hears that we have a Maquis First Officer,_ Harry thought as he exchanged glances with B'Elanna. "We knew that but the way we saw it, it was the right decision to make."

"Cargen, I just checked on Noah," a woman's voice said. "Oh, we have company!" She was mid height with short cropped brown hair and blue eyes. "I'm Lainey Phillips," she shook hands with Harry and then B'Elanna. "I wasn't aware that Starfleet had any ships stationed in the Delta Quadrant."

"Err, long story," Harry said with a shrug. "Is there anything we can do to help?"

Phillips looked at Arissa and Caleb for a moment before asking them to leave the adults alone to talk. She waited until they were back in the runabout. "Unless one of you is a doctor, I'm afraid not. Noah's injuries are pretty severe, we've kept him alive as along as we possibly can with our abilities. It's only a matter of days unless he gets emergency surgery."

"We've sent a distress signal to our ship, they're only a few light years away."

"Thank god, we can get off this rock."

"Lainey, they're Starfleet," Val argued.

"I don't really care anymore Cargen."

Harry's combadge twittered, interrupting the argument. " _Chakotay to Kim, can you read me?_ "

"Yes, Commander," Harry said, with a little sigh. "I can."

" _Are you and B'Elanna alright?"_

"We're fine sir, the shuttle is a little beat up."

" _Voyager should be there in a few hours, Captain Janeway just needs to tie up some loose ends on our trade agreement with the Ionasans and we'll be on our way,_ " Chakotay's voice replied, firmly. " _Any luck finding dilithium yet?"_

Harry squeezed his eyes shut. He had completely forgotten about their original mission. "We haven't had the chance to look yet, we actually ran into...well...I wouldn't classify it as a situation, but needless to say we made a bit of discovery."

" _Oh?_ "

"I think it's better if we explain in person, Commander."

" _Very well then, Chakotay out._ "

B'Elanna let out a breath that she wasn't aware that she was holding. "We should probably get working on find that dilithium or Captain Janeway is going to have a field day with us. I don't know about you but I don't want to be on the receiving end of her death glare. We can come back in a few hours when _Voyager_ arrives and have the survivors beamed up to the ship."

"Will you be alright for a couple of hours?" Harry directed the question at Lainey rather than Cargen.

"We've been here on our own three days, I think we can handle a couple of hours," Lainey replied, firmly.

Harry nodded his head slightly and took after B'Elanna, realizing that _this_ was not what he had been expecting when he decided to go on a three day mission with her.

* * *

"What are we going to do with them?" B'Elanna asked when they were out of earshot of the group of castaways.

Harry looked baffled. "What do you mean _what are we going to do with them?_ They'll comeback to _Voyager_ with us." He slung his equipment bag over his shoulder and steadied himself on a rock while she did scans for dilithium. "We can't just leave them here, B'Elanna. They're one of us."

B'Elanna shook her head. "Correction, Starfleet, they are not _one_ of us. You heard the Bajoran, and that kid; they don't like Starfleet. You really want to mix them into the fold? It was hard enough balancing everything out when we got stranded here. I'm not sure Captain Janeway will be up for it again. Perhaps we can just fix their ship and be done with it."

"A runabout is never going to make it back to the Alpha Quadrant."

"And you think a starship is?"

He shook his head. "We have a better shot than that runabout. If we left them to their own devices they'd never make it. Their survival depends on us no matter how much they may not like Starfleet."

She didn't look convinced. As if Janeway didn't have enough on her plate at the moment they were bringing Federation haters into the fold. Of course, she knew that Janeway liked a challenge, but how many challenges could one woman face before completely crumbling under the pressure. Not to mention they really didn't have the facilities for the children. They could barely keep up with Ava and Michael. "They're civilian scientists, Harry. She can't force them into becoming a part of our crew. They're going to make their own decisions."

"She didn't force the Maquis."

"No, but Chakotay made the decision for us. Besides we didn't have a runabout and it was better than spending seventy-five years in the brig," B'Elanna replied.

"Good point," Harry joked, with a little smile. "I'm sure being on _Voyager_ is going to be better than spending the rest of their lives in a runabout."

"Good point," B'Elanna said with smirk.

She heaved a sigh as she continued working. The extra help around the ship wouldn't hurt, she had to admit, and it would be good for Michael and Ava to have a playmate in Arissa. She just wished she didn't feel so anxious about the whole thing. An hour after they had left their new _friends_ they had enough dilithium to power the engines for another two months and a back ache from climbing over treacherous rocks that was probably going to last a whole week. When they returned to the damaged runabout they found that Noah Cook, the children's father, wasn't doing so well. B'Elanna wished for a fleeting second that they had taken Tom Paris along with them, at least then they would have had someone with some form of medical knowledge. However, the Doctor hadn't cleared Paris to leave the ship yet. _Damn Dellon Casius still screwing us over even when he's dead._

"I don't think Noah has much time, how far away is _Voyager_?" Lainey asked.

"They're at least two hours away," Harry said, "that is, if their trade negotiations went well."

"Is there anyway we can contact them?" Cargen inquired.

"Our shuttle is a transport away," Harry said. He moved into position and was ready to type his combadge to order the computer to transport him back to the shuttle when Lainey grabbed his arm.

Her jaw set, she said, "I'm going with you." Harry looked at B'Elanna for a moment. "I'm sorry, but I don't trust you. I want to make sure you do indeed call this ship of yours," Lainey replied when she saw their puzzled glances. "Shall we go then?"

"Very well," Harry surrendered, taping his combadge. "Computer, lock onto my combadge, two to beam directly to the Arizona."

B'Elanna watched as her friend disapeared in the transporter beam with the other woman. She was now alone with the Bajoran.

"Not many Klingons in Starfleet," Cargen said, trying to make conversation.

"I'm not Starfleet...well at least I wasn't."

"You know for a Chief Engineer, you're not making a lot of sense."

"It...It's a long story."

Cargen crossed his arms over his chest. "So Harry Kim said earlier. The way I see it is that since we're going to be going aboard your ship I think we need to know the whole story. So, what is the whole story B'Elanna Torres?"

"Fine then," B'Elanna snapped. "The whole story is that we were pulled into the Delta Quardrant from the Badlands. Our Captain destroyed the array and we've been trying to find a way home since. Kathryn Janeway wasn't my captain when I first got here, in fact I hated her for what she did, but I had no ship left and she was holding an olive branch. My captain took it and the rest is history."

"Your captain?"

"Commander Chakotay."

"The officer Kim talked to?"

"Yes, he's our First Officer."

"Were you a science ship like us?"

"Maquis."

Cargen's eyes widened but he didn't get to respond. Caleb came rushing out of the runabout, sweating and with a terrified look on his face. "Val, come quick! Dad's not doing so well! We have to do something Val, or he's going to die!"

The Bajoran grimly looked at B'Elanna. "Here's hoping that your ship is on it's way, Starfleet or not."

* * *

Tom Paris suddenly got the feeling that something was off. Glancing up around the bridge he concluded that everything was in it's right place, so what the hell was bugging him? Scratching his head he briefly thought about asking Chakotay for a quick break, that his back was hurting, and go for a walk around the ship to ease his troubled mind. But he squashed that idea. He was being silly. Wasn't he? Attempting to focus on his work, he shook his head to clear his mind. He was being silly, he was just uneasy because of all that had happened to him, to _Voyager._ It was only natural to feel this way, he told himself. Still...it was nagging him. He wasn't going to feel better until he figured out what was bothering him in the first place.

"Commander, I need to be excused," he said, turning about in his chair to face Chakotay.

Chakotay glanced up from his stack of endless reports and narrowed his eyes. "What's the problem, Paris?"

Tom silently prayed that the first officer couldn't see right through him at that every moment. "It's my back sir, I think I need to go to sickbay to get some more pain killers." He watched as Chakotay stared at him for a few moments, as if trying to gage what the pilot was telling him was the truth or not, but then his face softened and he nodded his head. Tom quickly got up from his post and made his way to the lift, passing Chakotay's chair as he went.

"She's going to be alright Tom," the first officer whispered, only for his ears. "Give her time to heal."

Tom felt his head snap back and look down at the Commander. Sarah, was she the reason he was the feeling this distraught? Was her plight so consuming that he couldn't even fly anymore without worrying about her? He just nodded his head before disappearing into the turbolift. _I wish I could believe him, I want to believe him,_ he thought over and over again as the lift headed downwards. It made everything so much easier when he believed that Sarah was going to rise above the adversity, the pain, and return to some form of normalcy. It made him forget for a while that she had been broken in the first place. He sighed and stepped off of the lift, walking briskly down the deck to his destination.

His heart was beating wildly as he pressed Sarah's door chime. _Easy Paris, she's fine, reading a book I'm sure,_ he comforted himself while he waited. He got impatient and pressed the chime again. She was going to kill him if he pressed it a third time before she answered, so he held back, if only for a few extra seconds. Perhaps she wasn't even home. A quick check with the computer confirmed that she was. Tom furiously typed in an override code and tore into her quarters. "Sarah!"

It was pitch black, except for the starlight. Everything looked to be in place, he could see the bed had been untouched which confirmed she wasn't sleeping at all in his mind. There were some clothes strewn over the chaise lounge, nothing out of the ordinary she was always leaving stray pieces of clothing around her living space. Taking a deep breath he called out, "Sarah? Where are you?"

Tom barely had enough time to duck the vase that came flying towards his head when he stepped into the bedroom. With a grunt he fell to the floor and rolled to his side when he caught movement out of the corner of his eye and the vase flying towards him again. The vase shattered on the floor into a thousand different pieces as he struggled to his feet. Sarah was coming at him again, only this time with a razor in her hand. He only had one option, one he hated to implement, but if he wanted to make sure she didn't slice his arms off, he had to do it. Swinging about he grabbed a hold of her forcefully and pried the razor from her fingers. It went flying through the air and disappeared somewhere in the dark.

Sarah screamed a cry of from the bottom of her throat while thrashing about. _Dear God, Tuvok's going to be called up here any moment now if she doesn't stop,_ Tom thought while he struggled to contain her in his arms. She caught him in the shins with her boot and he bit his lip to suppress his own scream. "Sarah," he said, wincing through the pain, "it's me, it's Tom!"

"Let go! Let go of me!" She yelled, kicking with all her might.

"I'm not going to let go until I know you won't hurt me or yourself, Sarah," Tom said, firmly.

"You don't have any right to hold me! I didn't want to come here in the first place!" Sarah shouted, tiring in his grasp. Finally exhausted she slumped against him and sobbed, "I did it to save _Voyager._ I never wanted to come here."

Tom was suddenly rendered speechless. First by the fact that she was hallucinating and second that she was having visions of being on Gerroa Prime and that _he_ was Dellon Casius. With a little shake of his head, he rubbed her shoulders affectionally. "Sarah, you're safe now, you're back on _Voyager,_ and we're all fine. You did save us. And Casius' is dead, he can't hurt you anymore."

The slackened grip was all she needed to whirl around and hit him square in the nose. He heard the bone crunch as it broke and blood gush onto his face. Sarah gasped loudly when she saw the blood. "Oh no! I...I...oh God Tom, I...I thought...I'm sorry!"

He shook his head. "It's fine, the Doc can fix it."

Sarah, tears streaming down her face, retreated into the bathroom to grab a towel. Pressing it to his nose, she cried harder. "Captain Janeway is going to take me off duty forever after she finds out about this. I already broke that official's nose and now I've broken the Chief Helmsman's."

"She doesn't have to know about this one."

"It will be in the Doctor's medical logs."

"There are ways to erase those you know."

With tears glistening her cheeks, she smiled sadly. "Let's get you to sickbay." She wrapped her arm around his and lead the way out of her quarters back towards the turbolift. Needless to say they got quite a few looks from passing crewmen and she was sure that Chakotay would hear about this by the end of the shift. Not to mention the fact that she had another flashback that caused her to punch another man, Tom of all people, the one person that she had grown to trust immensely over the past few months. Maybe Captain Janeway was right after all, perhaps she hadn't come to terms with what had happened to her, she hadn't healed emotionally.

Suddenly the corridor went black. Sarah halted, gripping Tom's arm. Startled, Tom asked her what was wrong. "My eyes," she said. "Tom, I can't see!"

"Alright, take it easy," Tom said, shifting his weight so he was the one leading now. "I'll get us there."

"Why can't I see!"

"The Doctor will figure it out, don't worry." But even as the words left his mouth she let out another gasp and collasped onto the floor. Tom was taken down with her and they became a mess of tangled arms and legs and a bloody nose in the corridor. "What is it?" he cried, "What's wrong now?"

Sarah's voice was panic stricken, high pitched. "I can't feel my legs Tom! I...I can't move them! I'm paralyzed!"


	7. Chapter 7

Sarah could only hear and barely move her arms. Her body was slowly loosing feeling and she was lying in darkness. Tom had managed to drag her to sickbay, quite literally since she couldn't get her legs to work, the Doctor had to sedate her and it was bothering her how quiet he had become since they had entered. Despite not being able to see or move her body, she could still hear. A hand gently stroked her cheek in assurance and she knew it was Tom. She suddenly was extremely grateful that she wasn't alone.

"What's going on?" Kathryn Janeway's voice demanded as she entered sickbay. "You told me that she was physically fit."

The hologram was close to her bed, his voice was booming when he spoke. "Apparently I was mistaken, Captain, I know that it is hard for you to imagine that a superior program such as myself could make a mistake," the Doctor answered, arrogantly, "but I am has humble as the next hologram. It appears that Lieutenant Barrett's pregnancy has had an unforseen complication. One I probably would have detected earlier if I had proper access to Gerroan medical records."

Sarah tired turning her head to the sound of Janeway's voice but now her neck wasn't even responding to simple commands from her brain. Her mouth was dry from the lack of the ability to swallow and she could barely use her voice. Everything was falling apart.

"What kind of complications?" Janeway asked, firmly.

"It appears that her genets are just not compatiable with Gerroan genes."

"Meaning?"

"Meaning that the fetus is releasing an enzyme that would have no affect on a female Gerroan, but is a neural toxin to Lieutenant Barrett," the Doctor replied. "It's a slow moving toxin, but it has attacked most of her nervous system, with the exception of her brain, rendering her blind and paralyzed. If it continues to spread my only guess is that it will attack her brain and move onto her vital organs. If we don't abort the fetus, she'll die."

Sarah closed her eyes, not that it mattered she couldn't see a thing anyways, it was more of an instinctive response. "There's no way to save the fetus?"

The Doctor shook his head. "I'm afraid not, Lieutenant."

She bit her lip. It was no secret that she didn't want to have this baby in the first place, but now that the Doctor _had_ to abort the pregnancy just so she could live made her heart broken. Tears gathered into her unseeing eyes. _Do you want to see again? Walk again? Will I be able to walk again?_ For a moment she was terrified that this condition was her permanent one. "Doctor...will I be able to see?"

"Yes, with the proper treatment you will be able to see again," the Doctor replied.

"And walk?"

"There's no knowing what the toxin did permanently until we abort the pregnancy, Lieutenant."

Uncertainty, Sarah wasn't sure she had heard that in the Doctor before. He had told her that she would see again in the hopes she would shut up and move on. But he couldn't tell her she'd walk again. She felt like crying, but wasn't sure her brain could even command tears to fall. Trying her best to steady herself she took a deep breath. "Just get it over with," she said, bitterly.

The Doctor shuffled some instruments about. "It should only take a few moments, I won't have to sedate you anymore than you already are." He asked Kes to extract a sample of the enzyme that was slowly killing their counselor and informed the others that he would prepare for the abortion. Sarah wouldn't notice him cringe at the use of the word, but it wasn't lost on Tom or Janeway as the hologram left the room for a few moments.

Janeway felt terrible. For a day that had started out rather promising it was taking a turn for the worst. "I'm sorry, Sarah," she finally said.

"It's not your fault," Sarah responded hoarsely. "We both know how I feel about this anyways."

"You may not have wanted this baby but it still hurts to have to terminate it like this," Janeway replied. "You can act as hateful and as bitter as you'd like, the truth is when the time came you were going to be ready to accept this child, weren't you?"

A tear finally escaped and made it's way down her cheek. "I'm...not sure."

Janeway reached out and patted her hand even though the young woman couldn't feel it. "Someday, you'll make a great mother, maybe...you just weren't ready for this yet."

_Some things just aren't meant to be,_ Cosette Barrett had uttered those words years ago when Sarah's first boyfriend had broken up with her. It had been one of the only fond memories she had of her mother. Sniffling she gave her head a small nod as the Doctor came back into the room. He informed her that the procedure would be painless and quick and that Kes was already working on an antidote to combat the toxin. Sarah wished that she could press her arm over her eyes and just block everything out. It was impossible because she couldn't even move. She wasn't even aware that Tom was holding her hand or that Kathryn Janeway was gently stroking the other one while the Doctor performed the abortion. In a matter of moments the child that she hadn't even had the chance to accept was gone, in order to save the mother. Perhaps one day she would have the courage to ask the Doctor what the sex of the baby had been. But not today.

"Doctor I've isolated the enyzme," Kes said.

"Excellent, I'm just about done," the Doctor said, happily. "I'll be there in a moment."

At the moment she was glad she couldn't feel a thing; it accompanied the emotional numbness. Sarah could have been crying, she wasn't sure, there was just nothing but numbness and darkness. She would happy when she could see again. If she would _ever_ see again.

" _Chakotay to Janeway._ "

"Go ahead, Commander," Janeway's firm command voice echoed in the room.

" _We're approaching the planet. Ensign Kim informs me that they have a medical emergency. I'm picking up four human lifesigns and a Bajoran along with Kim and Torres. Should I beam them all to sickbay?"_

Janeway looked stunned, as did Tom Paris. "Have a security detail join me before transport, Janeway out." She spun about looking for the Doctor who was entering the room with a hypospray. "Doctor, is Lieutenant Barrett in any danger at the present time?"

"I won't know until I test this antidote on her."

"Is she ready for it now?"

"Yes. Why do you ask Captain?"

"Because, the away team is coming back to the ship with a medical emergency," Janeway answered. "Your top priority is going to be them."

"Aye Captain."

Sarah heard the soft hiss of a hypospray and then the hurried frenzy of the crew getting ready for medical emergencies. Janeway contacted the bridge when Tuvok arrived with security and had the away team along with the mysterious strangers beamed to sickbay. She suddenly felt very tired despite the fact that there was a lot of noise around her as people were yelling and shouting over the Doctor. She thought she heard children's voices in there but she couldn't be sure. The newcomers were quickly ushered out by security so the Doctor could work on the injured. It became quiet then, the exception being the Doctor ordering Kes about. As she drifted off to sleep she could have sworn the world around her got a little bit brighter.

* * *

Lainey Phillips was fascinated by some of the artifacts that Captain Janeway had in her ready room, but she was most intrigued by the ginger haired toddler. Who at the moment was trying to coax Val Cargen into getting her some apple juice. Val looked completely out of place around the baby, in fact the baby of the ship's captain, and inched away from her. She didn't scream or shout, instead she glared at him intensely. Lainey bit her lip wondering if she had inherited that look.

"I'm sorry we kept you waiting," a woman's voice said.

"Val Cargen," the Bajoran introduced himself while Lainey turned around to see a petite woman enter the room followed by a tall, board shouldered man, who was devilishly handsome. "Lainey Phillips. Thanks for taking us on board, Captain."

Lainey, whose eyes had been fixated on the male officer, snapped her head up to look at the woman. She was beautiful, in a piercing kind of way. Slender shoulders, long hair pulled back tautly, and curves that a Starfleet uniform barely concealed. All these years and the Federation still had not come up with a uniform that was truly unisex.

"It appears that there was very little choice in the matter," Janeway said, coldly. "Your runabout is nonsalvagable and one of your crewmen is dying."

Val winced at the cool tone. "We're lucky you came along. Noah wasn't going to survive much longer on our lackluster medical skills. Our doctor was killed when the Caretaker pulled us into the quadrant. We're lucky that any of us survived really." He paused for a moment, waiting for a reaction out of the Captain, but got nothing. Shuffling his feet about he looked at the floor. "Er, what do you plan on doing with us now?"

Janeway's demeanor didn't change. Lainey found she disliked the woman with a passion all of a sudden. "I can offer you passage on _Voyager_ but you're going to have to earn my trust if you want the same privileges as my crew. Lieutenant Torres informed me of your dislike of the Federation Mister Cargen, Miss Phillips. I have to say I'm disturbed by it as well. Never the less, I can't just leave you here, that would be cruel and writing your death sentence. You'll be assigned positions according to your areas of expertise and we'll see what happens from there."

Val mutely nodded his head. Lainey was disgusted. "What do we have to do, _Captain Janeway_ to make you trust us? We're thousands of light years from the Federation, we'll probably never see it again, and you're worried about a little insignificant matter?"

"The way I see it Miss Phillips, it isn't insignificant. I've already been betrayed once, it nearly cost me the life of my daughter," Janeway responded heatedly. "I'm not about to put my ship that close to peril again if I can avoid it."

"Oh, because three scientists and two children without a ship are so dangerous."

"I could always change my mind and leave you here, Miss Phillips," Janeway countered, firmly, silencing the young woman.

"That won't be necessary Capatin," Val interjected, glaring hotly at Lainey. "We'll gladly except your terms." He eyed the precocious toddler behind Janeway for a moment. He knew what female animals could do to protect their young; he had studied enough creatures in his life time to observe such behaviors. If Janeway felt that her child was threatened, Val wouldn't put it past the woman to throw them out the nearest airlock. _Perhaps I should have gotten the kid some juice._ "I'm sorry that we've come off as hostile, Captain, it's been a long tenure here in the Delta Quadrant, as I'm sure you are aware."

Janeway's eyes softened for a moment. "I'm well aware the hardships this quadrant has to offer."

_And you willing put yourself here,_ Lainey thought with spite, thinking back to the array that could have gotten them all home. The rest of them had very little choice. Leave it to a Starfleet captain to think she knows best. How could she condemn her child to a life like this? Noelle Cook, Noah's late wife, who had died when they were pulled into the quadrant, would have been fuming at this. She always used to preach that a woman's top priority was her family, it was the reason why she and the kids had come on the trip with them. She had wanted them to stay together. Lainey gave her head a little shake. Noelle would have given Janeway a piece of her mind and no one would have been able to stop her.

"Then you must understand perfectly clear why we're a little...skeptical, Captain."

"The feeling is mutual, believe me," Janeway replied. She gestured towards the man standing next to her. "Commander Chakotay will escort you both to your new quarters. If you need anything combadges will be provided for you."

"And we'll get a visit from the local counselor I'm sure," Lainey snapped.

Janeway looked crestfallen for a few seconds, but it was certainly brief. "Our counselor is unavailable at the moment due to health issues."

_The young woman in sickbay? God she was gorgeous, Val will be drooling over her once we do have to sit and chat,_ Lainey thought mentally rolling her eyes. If Val had one weakness it was women, especially beautiful women. And it had been a long time since Val had been with a woman. She wondered if she should mention that he was a bit of a womanizer to Janeway before she sent them on their merry way. Deciding against it, Janeway would find out soon enough on her own, Lainey followed mutely behind Commander Chakotay and Val. She had to admit the view of the Commander from where she was wasn't that bad.

"You'll have to forgive the Captain," Chakotay was saying as they entered the lift. "It's been no joy ride the last month and a half."

"Problems with the Kazon?" Val asked.

"The Gerroan."

"Haven't heard of them."

"Consider yourself lucky."

Lainey hadn't thought herself lucky in a long time. And, as Chakotay led them to their new living spaces, she was pretty sure she wasn't going to consider herself lucky for a while either.

* * *

_"Mère_ _."_

_She pushed the old oak door to their colonial home open and stepped inside. A mixture of the centuries was the best way to describe the Barrett household. Her father loved antiques of any kind but her mother was into the latest technology that came out. It was no surprise to anyone who knew Jason and Cosette Barrett that their vidscreen was hanging next to an antique Monet painting._

_It was almost summer. Her mother had worked countless hours that spring in her garden. Luke was constantly playing baseball out in the backyard with his buddies and wanted little do with his baby sister, who was seven. He was thirteen now, he was too cool to be seen with her. Sometimes if she welded enough tears in her eyes he would break down and take her to the ice cream shop down the street of their small Massachusetts oceanfront town. But lately it was taking water works. Daddy had told her that it was because Luke was getting older and would rather hang with his friends; it didn't mean Luke didn't love her, he just didn't know how to show anymore. Mère_ _had tried scolding Luke about it, nothing had really changed because of it._

_School would be out in two days._ _Mère_ _and Daddy were supposed to come by for the first grade picnic that afternoon. Daddy had been called away to the office last minute; Admiral Hayes had contacted him over the vidscreen, Sarah had been playing in the next room when it came in. Daddy had kissed her cheek and promised he would take her for lots of ice cream all summer for missing her special day. She had told him it didn't matter,_ _Mère_ _was still coming. Or at least Sarah thought_ _Mère_ _was coming._

_They had all gone outside to meet their parents, blankets under their arms, lunch boxes in their hands. The fields behind their school were lush and green and the sun was bright, but it wasn't too hot for a mid June day. The teachers had set up tables and parents had put out an assortment of food for the adults to pick at. The kids were allowed to run once they hit the playground. Pictures were snapped on holocameras as sixty something first graders ran screaming happily towards their families. It was chaos trying to sort out who was who in the crowd, but Sarah was certain that_ _Mère_ _was there, probably with Baxter on his leash. Mrs. Boyes had said dogs were allowed if they could behave._

_Soon, she found herself standing around, alone._ _Mère_ _hadn't come. She was crushed, Mrs. Boyes had offered to sit with her. Sarah knew that the other parents were looking at her, muttering under their breaths about_ Starfleet _parents._ _Mère_ _must have had a good reason not to show up. Perhaps she had been called to San Fransisco as well._

_"_ _Mère_ _, where are you?"_

_Baxter the family dog came bounding around the kitchen island, tail wagging wildly. He was a mutt, a blend of black German Shepard and Black Lab. Sarah hated it when he licked her face with his oversized tongue. Baxter didn't same to really care. She gave him a little pat. Well, he wasn't tied up, and Gram wasn't there._ _Mère_ _had to be home. Biting her lip to stop from crying she began to run from room to room screaming angrily for her mother. She even slammed doors for good measure to make sure that if her mother had slept through her picnic she was going to be woken up. She found_ _Mère_ _in the last room she stormed into yelling at the top of her lungs, her voice all but gone, the master bathroom._ _Mère_ _was sitting with her back to the sink, she'd been crying because her make up was smudged._

_"_ _Mère_ _! You promised you'd be there!" Sarah yelled stamping her foot onto the tile._

_Cosette had looked at her with hallow eyes. "I'm sorry, minette." She wiped at her tears, her black eyes liquid. A hand wove through the already tangled masses of raven hair. "I just couldn't be seen like this. I...I tired to call your père_ _; he must not haven't gotten my message in time. Je suis désolé._ _"_

_She was using a lot of French, she never spoke her native tongue unless she was angry or upset. "_ _Mère_ _, what's wrong?"_

_"It's nothing, minette."_

_Sarah wasn't a stupid child, on the contary, Mrs. Boyes constantly told her parents that she was the brightest in her class. She knew that something was bothering her mother._ _Mère_ _wasn't an emotional person, she very rarely smiled and she very rarely said 'I love you'. Baxter came panting up behind her, investigating the scene, he too seemed to realize that something was wrong because he whimpered the moment he saw_ _Mère_ _._

_"Cosette!" Daddy pushed his way into the bathroom. "Sarah, leave now, take Baxter outside and play!"_

_"But Daddy!"_

_"Don't argue with me Sarah Cosette!" Jason grabbed a hold of her arm and pulled her out of the bathroom, slamming it shut in her face._

_Behind it she could hear_ _Mère_ _sobbing. "I lost the baby, Jason! Doctor Tisdale doesn't believe I can carry another child to term! My last pregnancy was too difficult, it did a lot of damage!" Sarah heard something smash against the wall._ _Mère had thrown something._ _"I...I can't...I can't have anymore babies." Her father mumbled something, Sarah tired to press against the door to listen. She hadn't even been aware that her mother was pregnant. She felt bad that she had been so angry about the picnic._ _Mère_ _had lost her baby and she was upset that she had to sit with the teacher at a silly end of the year picnic. Baxter nuzzled her, but she still felt terrible._ _Mère_ _'s make up smudged face would be the only thing she would remember about this day._

"Mère..."

Tom Paris heard her raspy voice and glanced up from his chair. Sarah was stirring, moving her limbs slightly with a troubled expression on her face. Since she had fallen asleep over three hours ago she hadn't made a sound. Exhaustion had been evident in her demeanor before she had even had the complications from the pregnancy. Getting up off his chair he inched his way closer to her bed and took her hand firmly in his. He hoped the simple touch would calm and help her sleep peacefully, lord knew she needed it. However, it did not.

She thrashed again, and cried out in a whimper, "Mère..." before her eyes snapped open. A lone tear leaked out of her eye and down her pale cheek.

He gave her hand a squeeze. "Sarah, it's okay, you're in sickbay."

"I completely forgot."

"Forgot what?" Tom questioned, concerned.

Sarah shook her head. Did it really matter now? Twenty years later? Especially since her mother was dead. And even if she was still alive it wasn't like she had the opportunity to call her up and inform that she now knew what it felt like to lose your unborn child. Her parents never talked about that loss again. After her father had managed to calm her mother down they had tried to make it up to her for missing the picnic by taking her out to dinner while Luke slept over a friend's house. She had still felt horrible for yelling at her mother and her parents had believed her to still be angry. Jason had taken her to work the next day. She'd met most of his colleagues, including Owen Paris. "I...I met your father once."

Tom was surprised since he had never met hers. "You did? When?"

"I was seven," she answered. "Daddy took me to work with him. We were eating lunch outside on the grounds when your father came to give him a report." She remembered clear as day now, Owen had taken her father aside and spoken to him in hushed voices so the little girl couldn't hear. When they were done, he had come back over to meet her. She recalled him now as a warm person, sparkling eyes. "He told me I was pretty."

"Yeah, that sounds like him," Tom said with a sad smile.

"I never met the rest of your family, Daddy never brought work home, ever."

"I wish that was the same about my father. We dined with almost every admiral under the sun."

"But not Daddy."

Tom shook his head. He wondered if she was hurt by this. Of course if Owen Paris knew that Jason Barrett didn't like to bring work home, he wouldn't have invited him over to the Paris' for dinner out of respect. He brushed the hair out of Sarah's eyes. "Just think, when we get home, my dad can tell you how pretty you are for a second time."

Sarah blinked back her tears. "I don't feel pretty, Tom." Did her mother feel this way when she had lost her baby? Damnit, how she wished she had the opportunity to speak to her mother. But it wasn't possible. She cried harder. She felt him brush the tears away, shushing her while the pain consumed her. She didn't deserve his affection or his attention. She certainly had done nothing to earn it. In fact she had repulsed it since the very beginning because she was scared. It wasn't fair to him and he deserved better. "You should go, I'm wasting your time."

"I want to be here, Sarah, it's alright," Tom assured her.

"You deserve better," she whined.

"Stop talking nonsense. You're exhausted, go back to sleep, you'll feel better after a good rest."

"I don't feel pretty Tom; you deserve someone who is pretty."

He kissed her cheek softly and whispered in her ear, "I don't want someone pretty, I want you. Now, go back to sleep. You're not getting rid of me as easily as you'd like." Rubbing the spot where he kissed her, he smiled. "I'll be here when you wake up, that's a promise."

A sudden sense of calm washed over her at this prospect and soon her exhaustion won out. Tom watched as she drifted back to sleep. With a heavy sigh he plopped his body down into the chair and picked his book back up again. The Doctor eyed him across the room. He shifted trying to ignore the hologram but it was no use, their Chief Medical Officer was moving towards him.

"I told you I can give her something to keep her asleep the whole night," the hologram said with a frown.

"She's taken enough stimulants, no more drugs," Tom argued. "I don't mind staying here in case she wakes up."

"This isn't good for your recovery process, Lieutenant, in case you have forgotten you were stabbed almost two weeks ago."

Tom winced at the memory. How could he forget the burning that the blade had made as it had cut through his flesh? "No, I haven't forgotten, Doc. I'm fine, the pain relievers you gave me earlier did the trick. Besides, her recovery is more important."

The Doctor would probably never understand the human capacity to put others before their own health and safety. Captain Janeway was notorious for doing this he'd noticed over the past six months. Lieutenant Paris had sat in the same chair for over three hours and the Doctor wanted Lieutenant Barrett to sleep at least another eight before allowing her to get up and try to move her limbs. Paris would probably sit in that chair the whole time which was going to make his still healing injuries sore. Grumbling, the hologram turned away and went to work on his newest patient. Thankfully Captain Janeway had managed to keep Noah Cook's colleagues and children out of sickbay. It made the Doctor's job a lot easier.

Tom Paris and Sarah Barrett were the least of the Doctor's worries. Since removing the fetus from her womb and thus stopping the production of the enzyme that was killing her, Sarah's condition had improved. Her eyesight was slowly returning and she had been able to move her limbs, even if they were just short, jerky movements. Tom's wounds were healing nicely and would have been completely healed if he didn't insist on taking care of Sarah. But, everything else pushed aside, the Doctor wasn't worried about losing them. His new patient on the other hand, didn't have much time if the Doctor didn't figure out a way to repair all the damage the runabout crash had caused without causing more. He had pretty much given into the fact that Noah Cook wasn't going to make it when the doors to sickbay swished open.

"Miss Phillips wants a report," Crewman Andrews stated moving swiftly towards the Doctor.

"Is Miss Phillips in charge now?" the Doctor snapped back, running an instrument over his patient.

Andrews blushed slightly. "No, it's just...she wants to know how Mister Cook is doing and since she is not allowed to roam the ship yet she asked if someone could bring her an update."

The Doctor was about to remind him that it wasn't his business to be giving out medical reports to just _anybody_ who wanted one when the biocomputer behind him started to scream at him. It jostled Sarah Barrett awake from her slumber and caused Tom Paris to stumble out of his chair and run around the corner to see what was happening. The Doctor quickly propelled into action as Kes came running from the other room. But even as he grabbed his medical tricorder he knew that there was nothing more he could do for the man lying on the surgical biobed.

In just a few moments the biocomputer flat lined and Noah Cook was dead.


	8. Chapter 8

Harry Kim was not surprised to find B'Elanna Torres working in the mess hall at zero three hundred hours. She had spent most of the afternoon refining the dilithium they had brought back to the ship with him and had complained that she was behind in her work as a result. He had offered to help her, but she had told him she didn't need it. Harry had tried to go back to his quarters to get some rest but felt guilty for leaving her with heaps of work. He'd dressed and proceeded to the mess hall. "Need a hand?" he asked, stepping up to her table.

B'Elanna glanced at him. "I thought I told you to go to bed."

"Sorry, Mom, I can't sleep," Harry joked, taking a seat.

"Very funny, Starfleet," B'Elanna quipped. She shoved a stack of PADDs towards him. "Here you can start with the warp core maintenance."

Harry smiled broadly as he took the stack in his hands and began to go over them. It took them an hour of idle chatter to get through all the PADDS. As they were wrapping up Neelix was coming in to make breakfast. "Guess there's no point in going back to bed," Harry said with a shy smile.

B'Elanna sighed, rubbing her temples. "I didn't even get to bed," she replied. "Don't worry about it, when I was with the Maquis there would be days before we could get any sleep; I'll manage," she told him when she saw his look of concern. "Besides, all nighters are nothing new if you've been to the Academy."

"True," he said, "but I much prefer getting a good night's sleep over pulling an all nighter. Maybe you should have someone else go over those reports when you're going to be gone."

"No one keeps me company better than you when they need to be done," B'Elanna blurted. When she realized her mistake she covered her mouth. "I mean….everyone else is all formal with me and I can't stand that…not at three in the morning…and…well you know what I mean."

Harry actually didn't know what she had meant by her comment or by what she was trying to say now. Instead of showing that he was confused he shrugged his shoulders. "Sure, you'd rather sit here with a friend than be addressed as ma'am and Lieutenant all night long. Understandable since you listen to it all day down in Engineering. And I don't mind sitting up with you it that's what makes you get through them faster. But next time, maybe we could start at a reasonable hour and not zero three hundred."

B'Elanna chuckled as they got into the turbo lift. "Deal."

" _Senior officers report to the briefing room._ "

"Kahless," B'Elanna cursed. "Doesn't Captain Janeway realize what time it is?"

"It must be important if she's pulling us all out of bed this early," Harry said, instructing the lift to go to the bridge. "Or, in our case, pulling us from our all nighter," he said with a little quirk of his eyebrow. "Do you think she made a decision regarding Lainey and Val?"

B'Elanna shrugged her shoulders. "As far as I know they were given quarters and Captain Janeway was going to consider what to do next. I don't know why the Captain would want us all to hear her decision at this hour of the night. Something else must have come up. Like I said its one crisis after another around here; if things started to turn normal on this ship I'd start to worry."

Harry thought about what she had just said. It was true that they didn't have it easy out here in the Delta Quadrant. They were prime prey being so far from home and having no back up. She'd voiced her concerns of surviving. Yet, they'd survived so much already. While it appeared that the forces were against them it also appeared that there was someone somewhere pulling for them. If there hadn't been Harry was sure that they never would have been able to fly into Gerroan space and find Sarah, or destroy a once tyrannical rule. "Maybe," he offered as the lift came to a halt on their deck, "We have a guardian angel."

"Klingons don't believe in guardian angels," B'Elanna replied, leading the way to the briefing room. "But…I'm willing to change my point of view." She realized as well that they had been awfully lucky and was starting to wonder if there was something bigger than them out there looking out for the wayward ship and her crew.

Kathryn Janeway looked like she could use a guardian angel at that very moment. Harry and B'Elanna exchanged glances before taking a seat at the table. Their captain looked like she hadn't slept in days, the brims of her eyes appeared red as if she had been crying, and her shoulders were slumped. Her face was hidden in the shadows cast by the dim light in the room but there was no mistaking the look on her face, she was deeply troubled. B'Elanna noticed that Chakotay looked concerned as well but his concern was clearly directed at Janeway.

It wasn't like to her to call a meeting this late, unless there was some crisis at hand. They'd met for hours in this room when they had been planning a rescue mission for Sarah, but never this late. Janeway didn't move or look at her officers until she was certain that all were present. When she did raise her eyes they were startled by the dark, weary look. She was usually filled with optimism, hope. Was the Delta Quadrant sucking the life out of her? "I've made my decision, regarding the civilians that Harry and B'Elanna found," she said, in a flat tone. "As you know, we can't leave them behind here on the planet, they wouldn't survive, and their ship is beyond repair. I'm aware of their anti-Federation feelings but I feel I'm left with very little options. I've assigned them accordingly to departments on the ship."

Harry looked around the table for a moment. Everyone was slightly confused. Why would the Captain call an emergency meeting to report the addition of new crewmembers?

"Mister Cargen and Miss Phillips are well qualified, I have no doubt with time they'll make fine additions to this crew," Janeway continued. "But they aren't the reason I called this meeting. Normally, this meeting would have been called between myself and Lieutenant Barrett. Unfortunately, under the current circumstances, I've had to turn elsewhere. The Doctor informed me that at zero one hundred hours Noah Cook died from his injuries. We now have two minors on board this ship without a legal guardian. I've spent the last three hours with them; they're scared, and rightly so."

"Could we appoint a legal guardian for them?" Chakotay suggested.

"We'd be asking someone to take on an awful lot of emotional baggage on their own," Janeway countered. "And with Counselor Barrett out of the mix for who knows how long, we'd be asking this person to be their counsel as well as guardian. I'm not sure I can ask anyone on this crew to do that."

"What about Doctor Cargen or Doctor Phillips?" Neelix asked, sleepily.

"I've considered them," Janeway replied. "However, I haven't spoken to either about this prospect since Mister Cook's death."

Chakotay leaned forward in his chair slightly. He knew the reason Kathryn had called this meeting. She _needed_ to hear the senior staff say that they would step in and help care for the children. However, it wasn't the Cooks she needed to hear it about it, it was her own children. She had faced her worst nightmare in a sense by informing Caleb and Arissa that their father was dead. They were now alone, seventy thousand light years from home. "Perhaps we could all pitch in, Captain."

A grateful look passed over Janeway's face. His simple words had lifted a great weight on her shoulders. "Thank you, Commander, perhaps that's what we'll do until Lieutenant Barrett is up on her feet." She let out a small sigh and nodded at them. "I'll inform Miss Phillips and Mister Cargen of their colleague's death in the morning, for now, let's all do what we can to make the transition for the children easier. Dismissed."

Harry pulled his now wide awake body out of his chair and quickly followed after B'Elanna, glancing a quick peak back at the Captain, still seated at the table. He was relieved that Chakotay had stayed behind and approached Janeway as the doors to the conference room hissed shut.

He scooted into the lift with B'Elanna. "Breakfast?" he asked.

She grinned. "Only if you're offering up your replicator rations; I can't stomach Neelix's cooking after staying up all night and then having to sit through that meeting."

"I might be able to scrounge up something for breakfast," Harry said. "Your place or mine?"

"Since you're buying, I'll host," B'Elanna said with a cheeky grin as the doors to the turbo lift opened onto her deck. "Just give me fifteen minutes to shower and change, okay?"

Harry grinned. "Sounds good. See you in twenty minutes." She playfully cursed him before the lift doors shut again and the lift resumed to his deck. He quickly showered and pulled on a fresh uniform before replicating a breakfast of eggs, bacon, orange juice, and pancakes. Securing the plates underneath platter covers he made his way back to B'Elanna's for the first morning of what would later become a tradition.

* * *

"Everything appears to check out," the Doctor reported running his scanner over her body.

Sarah traced its path with her eyes. She had gone through vigorous eye exams, physical therapy evaluations, and now was getting one last, _thorough_ check out before being allowed to leave sickbay after forty-eight hours of being tied to a biobed and the holographic doctor. "Does that mean I can go back to my quarters now?" All she wanted was some pajamas and a hot cup of tea.

The Doctor shut his tricorder down. "Yes and no; I'd like you to go to the mess hall for something to eat. You weight is still dangerously low. I know Mister Neelix's cooking isn't the best but you have to eat _something_ I suppose. Lunch should be started by now."

Sarah was terrified suddenly of the prospect of going to the mess hall by herself. She wasn't sure why, exactly. True it would be her first time out and about since returning from Gerroa Prime. She had avoided the mess hall at all costs upon returning. A public place, where people could openly judge her, scared her to death almost quite literally. She wasn't ready for their looks of pity and concern and she certainly wasn't ready for their well wishes. She just didn't know how to respond at the present time. Word had no doubt travelled that she had been pregnant and nearly died because of the pregnancy not being compatible with her body. "Can it wait for a few hours; I'd like to go shower and stuff."

"No, you haven't had solid food in over a week by my estimate."

There was no way getting out of it, she could see this. The Doctor would probably call Tuvok and have the chief tactical officer escort her to the mess hall and sit with her while she ate. _As if that wouldn't be embarrassing,_ she thought as the doors to sickbay opened.

"Ah, Mister Paris, in need of some more pain killers?"

Sarah glanced up to see Tom standing before hier and instantly her body started to relax. His presence had been comforting while confined to sickbay and he hadn't left her side for most of the forty eight hours. For that she was grateful. In fact she wasn't sure how to repay him for all of his support. He spoke to the Doctor but his eyes never left her face. "Nope, I'm good, I just came to see if Lieutenant Barrett would like to join me for lunch."

"You're timing is impeccable, Mister Paris, I was just ordering her to the mess hall for a good hearty meal."

"Well, I can certainly get her a hearty meal, I don't necessarily know about good," Tom joked with a wink. "So, is she free to go?"

"Yes, but I'd like to see you back here tomorrow for another follow up, Lieutenant," the hologram persisted as Sarah climbed down off the biobed. "And don't put it off. If you don't show up at this time tomorrow I'll have Mister Tuvok hunt you down and drag you here by security detail if I have too. Your health isn't something you should be toying with."

Tom took her by the hand. "Don't worry Doc, I'll make sure she gets to her appointment."

With his hand firmly placed against the small of her back, he guided her out of sickbay and towards the turbolift. "A little bird by the name of Kes said you looked quite anxious about going to the mess hall. I would hate for you to disobey the Doc's direct orders and go back to your quarters to hide away. The crew misses you Sarah."

She sniffled, trying to stop her tears. "I know," she whispered as they entered the lift.

"Do you really?" he asked gently before telling the lift to go to deck two. "They're worried about your isolation, they want to see you, talk to you. Do you know what a morale lifter it was just to find you alive? We thought you were dead, hell for a while, it seemed that you really were. We had a body in the morgue; Captain Janeway was preparing a memorial. It crushed them."

The tears clouded her vision as the lift whirred to life. "I'm sorry. I…I had to sort out my demons."

"You never had to do it on your own," Tom assured her. He saw the tears that had welled up in her eyes finally explode over the rims of her lashes and down her cheeks. "Computer, halt lift." The computer chirped in response and the lift stopped in its tracks between decks three and four. He took her face in his hands and gently kissed the salty tears away. "It's okay to lean on me, you don't always have to be strong for me Sarah."

"I didn't want them judging me. I was so angry," she cried.

"You had every right to be angry. They wouldn't have judged you."

"I don't know what to do, Tom, I don't know how to move forward," Sarah whimpered, moving closer to him. She needed his embrace desperately.

He recognized this and wrapped his arms around her. "You can start by walking into that mess hall with me."

She moved in to give him what she meant as a tender, brief kiss, but it was if their lips touching ignited an inferno of desperation and she _needed_ the kiss to deepen.

Tom was more than happy to oblige. He'd longed for this type of kiss from her perhaps since the moment he'd laid his eyes on her on the bridge for the very first time, staring down Commander Cavit because the man had reacted icily to him. She was kissing him like she was drowning and he was the air she was desperately trying to breath. Passion suddenly had a whole new meaning for him as he tasted her tongue, the inside of her cheeks, the roof of her mouth. He'd imagined this moment so many times but it was fast exceeding even his wildest day dreams and he could cook up some wild ones. The whole sensation was completely intoxicating.

_"Tuvok to Lieutenant Paris._ "

Sarah pulled away, gasping for air. Tom nearly cursed the Vulcan for his habit of interrupting perfectly good moments. It felt like he had been caught with his hand in the cookie jar before dinner. He tapped his combadge. "Paris here."

" _The Captain requests to see you in her ready room. Are you busy at the present time?"_

Tom saw Sarah cover her mouth with her hand to stifle her giggles. It made his heart beat faster just to hear that sound; for a while he didn't think she'd ever laugh again. "I was on my way to lunch," _and being thoroughly kissed for the first time in a long time,_ "however, I'm none too eager for Neelix's cooking; lunch can always be skipped."

_"Since lunch can be skipped_ _, please report to the ready room immediately._ "

"Aye, sir, Paris out," he replied, lowering his head. _So much for helping Sarah move forward_ , he thought as he directed the lift to resume, adding a new destination, the bridge. Letting out a frustrated sigh he wondered what the Captain could possibly want to see him about. Was it for missing that emergency senior officer meeting the other night? The Doctor had given him an excuse, although he did it with much protest. He was trying his best around here to fit in and make something of himself, Janeway had given him the opportunity and he didn't want to fail her or Sarah for that matter. Were his efforts really going to waste?

A hand reached out and lifted his chin. Sarah forced him to look at her. "It's okay Tom, I'll be fine."

"Are you sure?" he asked as the doors opened on deck two.

"I will be with time," she offered and with a gentle smile stepped out of the lift.

Tom watched as she disappeared down the corridor before the doors shut with a soft hiss and the lift resumed. His mind was whirling, still drunk from her kiss, and it was hard to focus on anything but that kiss until he stepped inside Janeway's ready room. Tuvok and Janeway were waiting for him, both standing in front of her desk, with intense looks on their faces. Tom felt a knot form in his stomach. "You wanted to see me, Captain."

"Yes, sit down Lieutenant," Janeway said, softly, which hardly went with her gaze.

Tom did as he was told and slid into one of the chairs facing her desk. He felt like he had been summoned to the principal's office. "Did…did I do something wrong, Captain?"

Tuvok and Janeway exchanged glances for a moment. "No, your service has been excellent, Tom; I'm not disappointed in your performance at all. But what we're about to tell you doesn't leave this room, it's vital that you understand me that only the three of us know about this, is that clear, Lieutenant?"

"Yes ma'am."

"Good," Janeway said, her voice firm, "because we have a mission for you."


	9. Chapter 9

_**Deception Point** _

Secrets she knew were hard to keep on this ship. Sarah Barrett noticed another crewmen gazing at her with speculation in their eyes and knew what they were thinking without even bothering to do a telepathic probe as they passed in the corridor. Discretion was also another thing that was hard to do on this ship. As wild speculation spread it became harder and harder to keep her relationship with Tom Paris a secret. It had only been two weeks since they had officially started to date and already Sarah was certain that the crew was pegging them for having slept together. The relationship hadn't gone that far. She still was recovering from the abortion she had needed to save her life and the emotional scars of being raped had left her with. Still, she was beginning to wonder if she just flat out told everyone that they were seeing each other if the speculation would stop or just move onto another unsuspecting couple.

Pulling her tunic down she called for the turbo lift and waited impatiently for it to open. Since retrieving the runabout from a backwater planet Sarah had been working nonstop to integrate the two scientists and two children into the daily lives of _Voyager's_ crew. It was turning out to be disaster. Lainey Phillips was a constant thorn in her side and Val Cargen wanted nothing more than to get in her pants. _Yet another reason to announce that I'm with Tom._

This thought brought a small smile to her face. It had been a long time since she had truly thought of her self as someone else's. Not that common knowledge would stop Cargen. Sarah was pretty sure that he would still try to seduce her even if she was a married woman. She stepped into the lift and called for deck two. She was on her way to the mess hall to grab something to eat before her scheduled appointment with Arissa Cook. Of the three new passengers the eight year old girl was having the hardest adjustment. She'd lost both her parents in a short amount of time to the Delta Quadrant and didn't quite understand how long it could take them to get home or she just didn't want too. Either way Sarah had spent most of her time with Arrisa since her brother wanted very little to do with comforting her. He had his own demons to sort out Sarah supposed.

She hated the days she met with Arissa. It was usually a time for the little girl to vent her fears and her anger at what had happened to her parents. Sarah recalled each time a conversation with Michael Janeway about who would care for him if Kathryn Janeway should die on this journey. Sarah had promised that she would. No one had promised Arissa.

Captain Janeway had assigned the children a temporary guardian in the form of Neelix until Phillips and Cargen were settled into life on _Voyager._ Of course that could take years with the progress Sarah was making with the two but that seemed to be beside the point.

The mess hall was pretty much empty at zero six hundred when Sarah strode in. The only ones there were Neelix, busily cooking away, Phillips and Cargen were sharing a table in the far corner of the room, and the Cook children were at the other. Only Arissa looked up with a smile and a wave at Sarah. At least one of them liked her.

"Good morning Lieutenant," Neelix greeted her cheerfully. "You're up early."

"Early meeting," she explained pouring herself a cup of coffee.

She heard the mess doors open with a soft hiss and noticed a bleary eyed Tom Paris walk in. He made his way to the coffee pot and muttered a greeting to both of them and then absentmindedly leaned down to try and plant a kiss on Sarah's lips. She pulled back awkwardly and questioned, "Lieutenant, are you sleep walking?"

Tom realized what he had been about to do and glanced up to see if Neelix had noticed. The Talaxian was looking at him rather suspiciously as if trying to decide whether or not he had seen the Chief Helmsman about to kiss the Ship's Counselor. "Ah, still trying to wake up I suppose. I couldn't sleep last night you know, had a date with a pretty girl and couldn't get her out of my head. Guess I was still thinking about that girl just now. That would have been embarrassing, huh? It certainly would have been more fodder for the gossip mill."

Neelix eyed him questionably. "Who did you go on a date last night with Tom?"

Sarah looked at him angrily as if shouting, _don't you dare!_ Tom fiddled with his coffee mug trying to find the right words. He could of course make up some name but one check on the computer would determine that no Susie Q lived on _Voyager_ and if he gave a real name all Neelix would have to do was ask the subject how the date had gone to blow Tom's cover out of the water. "You know something," he finally said, "it was really a dream now that I think about it." He scratched an imaginary itch behind his right ear. "Come to think of it a dream would explain why there were dancing elephants in the streets of Venice."

"Dancing elephants?" Neelix repeated. "Must have been some dream. No wonder you didn't sleep."

"Yeah, crazy," Tom said grabbing a tray of food and following a silently laughing Sarah to an empty table. He plopped his tray down across from her and sat down, looking about the room before lowering his voice so only she could hear. "That was close."

"It wouldn't have been close if you hadn't tried to kiss me," Sarah whispered harshly.

"Hey, it was natural instinct."

"A natural instinct that could have caused a huge headache."

Tom took a bite of his breakfast. "I know I know. We're keeping this quiet until we're sure this is serious. It's getting hard to keep silent, Sarah. I think Harry is beginning to suspect and we already know that the crew has bets going out there that we're sleeping together."

"Just think, if we tell them they'll be planning our wedding," Sarah tried teasing but Tom wasn't in the mood. "Just a couple of more weeks okay?"

"Okay. Two weeks, tops."

"Two weeks," she repeated diving into her own breakfast.

Even though she really wasn't sure what she was eating she found that she was starving. Probably the prospect of spending the morning with Arissa was making her anxious and she had always been an emotional eater. She watched, as she ate, the Cook children from her seat. They weren't speaking much and Caleb only uttered words when it was time for them to go. Sarah's sapphire eyes followed them out of the mess hall. It was going to take a lot longer than a couple of weeks to get those children adjusted to _Voyager._ She had toyed with the idea of asking Chakotay to give Caleb some minor duties. It would keep the boy busy at least. She wasn't sure how that would fly with Captain Janeway since just yesterday Sarah herself had yanked Michael out of a power conduit when he refused to come out on B'Elanna Torres' request.

The ensuing argument that Sarah had witnessed in the ready room between mother and son startled the young lieutenant. Michael was struggling with Janeway's leaving him behind on Nydia while she had flown _Voyager_ into the heart of Gerroan territory. While an adult would be able to see that it was a mother protecting her young, to a child it was abandonment. Michael was extremely mad at his mother and was lashing out in ways that could cause harm to himself or to the crew.

"I don't want breakfast!"

Her eyes shifted to the subject of her musings stomping into the mess hall. Things hadn't changed much since Sarah had spoken to Michael the other morning. Kathryn Janeway was behind him, not stomping but definitely walking with a bit of an angry step. She pointed towards Neelix making breakfast and gave a silent order. "I told Tal I didn't want that stupid cereal!"

"And you should have done it a bit more nicely. Throwing the bowl on the floor was _not_ an option. Now take a tray and head back to our quarters I have work to do."

Michael glared at the tray that Neelix reluctantly prepared for him. "I don't want it."

"I don't care if you don't want it, take it," Janeway grumbled. "You ruined Tal's breakfast as well, the least you can do is bring her a tray."

"She can replicate more of that yucky cereal," the boy argued.

" _Captain to the bridge."_

"I have to go, when I check in on you at lunch I better find out that tray was delivered to Tal," Janeway said with a huff and stalked out of the room.

Michael stood there staring at the tray.

"I wonder how long he'll stare at it," Tom mused glancing over his shoulder at the boy.

"Don't under estimate his stubbornness. He'll stand there and look at it as along as it means not pleasing his mother."

"It's really that bad? I know the kid is angry but it's time to let it go."

Sarah shook her head with a sad smile. "You have a lot to learn about kids, Paris. He isn't quite capable of rational thinking yet. While his mother was doing her duty to protect him he sees it as abandoning him and that she'll just dump him again when she sees fit. He figures that if he lashes out at her it will make her think twice about leaving him somewhere."

Tom looked at her skeptically. "Wouldn't that make her want to drop him off at the next friendly planet sooner?"

"Not in the eyes of a child."

"Right, I keep forgetting, irrational thought," Tom muttered as he sipped his coffee.

"You'll get the hang of it someday," Sarah said with a small smile.

He scoffed and grabbed his tray. "Duty calls? Lunch?" he asked hopefully.

"Sure," she answered.

Tom felt elated. Every moment that he got to spend with her was precious and few and far between. Sure, he'd taken her on a couple of romantic dates to the holodeck, but it was hard keeping everything casual during the day. Right now he wanted to kiss her good-bye but knew that Lainey "the Gossip" Phillips would have it spread all over the ship by midday that he had done so. He was going to have to wait until tonight to kiss her. "See you for lunch."

He went to recycle his tray and with one little last glance back at the object of his affection he slipped out of the mess hall and made his way to the turbolift. Suddenly the prospect of a long duty shift didn't seem so bad when he had Sarah to look forward too. He'd never envisioned himself a man to love or to even think about loving someone. But Sarah had changed him. She had showed him that there were plenty of good reasons to love a woman. He only prayed that her swearing him to secrecy wasn't going to be the wedge that drove them apart before they even got started. He knew he had to be patient, but patience had never been one of his strong suits.

"Mister Paris," Kathryn Janeway's stern voice cut through his thoughts as he stepped onto the bridge. "Take your station."

"Yes ma'am."

Tom sauntered down to the helm. He wasn't late, that much he knew. Glancing at the screen he saw her reason for trepidation. A Starfleet ship, Nebula class by the looks of it, was hovering in the view screen. "Where did that come from?"

"Good question, Mister Paris," Janeway drawled. "We've been trying to hail the ship for the past five minutes."

"I finished running it's registry number, Captain," Harry Kim said from operations. "It's the U.S.S Washington."

_Washington, Washington, I know that ship for some reason,_ Tom thought as he signed into his station. Then a memory from the penal colony hit him. One of the inmates had been assigned to the ship when he'd been charged with treason. Tom couldn't remember why he'd been charged, only that the man had joked once that it was good thing because the _Washington_ had gone missing somewhere in the Beta Quadrant. "Captain, that ship has been missing for almost two years."

"Lieutenant Paris is correct. It was last seen running a scout mission in the Beta Quadrant," Tuvok said.

"How did it end up here?" Chakotay inquired.

"The Caretaker maybe?" Harry offered. "We don't know how long it was taking ships before it took us."

Janeway scratched an imaginary itch behind her ear. "Any luck hailing them yet?"

"No ma'am."

"Maybe no one's alive," Tom said.

"I am reading eighty life signs, mostly human," Tuvok replied. "They are alive."

"Communications must be down then," Chakotay suggested.

Janeway gave him a curt nod of her head. "It's possible. Mister Kim, keep working on trying to get communications up."

"No need too," a deep, cheery voice said, startling the bridge crew. "Oh sorry," a middle aged man on the view screen said, "I didn't mean to startle you Captain…"

"Janeway, Kathryn Janeway."

"Marcus Black, it's been a while since we talked to anyone from home Captain," Black replied with a hopeful glint in his eye. "Has Starfleet found a way for us to get home?"

Janeway felt her heart sink. They believed _Voyager_ was here to bring them home and why wouldn't they? If a highly advanced starship showed up on their scopes it would fill her with hope. "I'm afraid we are just as lost as you are, Captain Black. We were pulled into the Delta Quadrant six months ago."

"Then you're no stranger to disappointment then," Black replied with a wry grin.

Janeway felt a little uneasy about his reaction. Of course if they had been out here as long as she suspected then she supposed nothing surprised them anymore. She was beginning to realize that not much was surprising her out in the Delta Quadrant. "I wish that I was Captain."

"Maybe my first officer and I can beam over to your ship and swap stories?"

"We'd love to have you."

* * *

Rubbing her temples Sarah stepped into the transporter room. It was only an hour into her day and she already had a headache. Her appointment with Arissa had been cut short when Captain Janeway had called her down here. Apparently they were receiving guests. What kind of guests Sarah wasn't entirely sure but Arissa seemed more than happy to get out of Sarah's office and go play with Michael Janeway. Today's session had been nothing but one dead end after another. Sarah wasn't sure where to go from here. Back home she'd have the sounding board of her colleagues at Starfleet Medical, however in the Delta Quadrant it was just her. _Today can't get off to much worse of a start,_ she thought as the transporter beam was engaged.

She was surprised when three human males materialized on the transporter pad. She was even more surprised when she saw that the men were wearing Starfleet uniforms. Had they stumbled across the Alpha Quadrant somehow?

"Captain Black, welcome aboard _Voyager,"_ Janeway greeted warmly, stepping forward.

The man heading the group stepped off the transporter pad and shook Janeway's hand. "My first officer, Commander Andrew Benson."

Sarah's eyes shot up and met the gaze of the young commander standing next to Captain Black. "Andy?"

"I was wondering when you would notice me, Barrett," Benson said with a grin. "Sarah and I graduated from the Academy together," he explained, to Janeway.

"Well then," Janeway said with a smile, "I was going to have my chief of security give you a tour, but I'll let you two catch up."

_What's there to catch up on?_ Sarah thought, anxiously. Andrew had more than just graduated with her, he'd been her boyfriend and they hadn't parted ways very amicably. In fact, Sarah hadn't spoken to Andrew since the day of their graduation. She'd heard about the _Washington's_ disappearance of course but she'd been deeply involved in the Borg Project by that point. She reluctantly gestured for Andrew to follow her and they made their way out into the corridor. "Where would you like to go first Commander?"

Benson laughed. "You don't have to be so formal with me, Sarah! You heard Captain Janeway—it will be a good opportunity for us to catch up."

"Fine then," Sarah said, curtly as they entered the lift. "We can _catch up_ on our way to Engineering." She ordered the lift to go and kept her shoulders square to Benson so she wouldn't have to look at him. "What would you like to catch up on?"

"It's been a long time since I was in the Alpha Quadrant…did you ever get on the Borg project?"

"I did. I spent seven months on the _Explorer._ "

"Wow, your dad must have been on cloud nine when you got that assignment."

Sarah felt a stab in her heart thinking about her father. "He was proud, but he knew I had a lot of hard work to do. He never wanted me treated any differently than any other new officer out there."

"How'd you get this job?"

"Long story," Sarah said truthfully.

"Can I hear the short one then?"

" _Voyager_ was sent to the Badlands to hunt down a band of Maquis. Captain Janeway thought my thesis on terrorism would provide helpful."

"Ever find the Maquis?" Benson questioned as they stepped into Engineering.

Sarah grinned as she gestured towards B'Elanna Torres. "Commander Benson, meet our Chief Engineer, Lieutenant Torres."

"New recruits?" B'Elanna said with a smirk.

"We ran into another wayward Starfleet vessel," Sarah informed her. "We're hoping to compare notes on our journeys."

B'Elanna scoffed. "Have fun."

Sarah and Benson gave a chuckle as they continued about their tour. Over three hours later and well caught up, Sarah led Benson onto the bridge. She quickly introduced the remaining senior staff that had not been present in the transporter room. She wasn't surprised when Andrew scowled at the hand that Tom offered to him. Immediately she became defensive, like she had when Commander Cavit had done the same, but for entirely different reasons this time. Last time, she'd been doing her job and sticking up for Janeway's decision, this time, she was sticking up for her boyfriend. Blinking, briefly she wondered when she began to think of Tom as her boyfriend. "Something wrong, _Commander_?" she questioned scathingly.

Benson eyed her suspiciously. "No, nothing," he said stiffly, shaking Tom's hand. "When is this tour taking us to the mess hall? I'm starving."

Sarah opened her mouth to respond but Tom rudely cleared his throat. She shot him a look before speaking. "I'm afraid that I have plans already, Andy."

"Well maybe I could join you and your friend."

Tom cleared his throat again.

"Something wrong Lieutenant Paris?" Sarah snapped.

"No ma'am," Tom said with a little smile. "Just a tickle in my throat." He turned about and settled himself down at his station.

Benson didn't miss the subtle meanings behind Paris' timely throat clears. He glanced at Sarah. She was glaring at the back of Paris' head. "You know something, I have a lot of work to do back on the _Washington._ Perhaps we could do dinner tonight?"

"Sure," Sarah agreed, noticing Tom's ears turn red. Satisfied she offered to walk Andrew back to the transporter room. Once inside the lift the question she knew would be coming spilled out of her former lover.

"How long have you been seeing Tom Paris?"

"What makes you think I'm seeing him?" Sarah asked innocently.

"I don't know," Benson said, "maybe it was the way he looked at you."

"You'll learn quickly that Tom Paris looks at _all_ women that way."

Benson wasn't quite buying it. "Sarah, I know you, maybe better than anyone on this ship. You only get that look in your eye when someone you care for has been offended. You were pretty quick to pounce on me back there for not wanting to shake the man's hand. Sorry, but I'm not in the habit of shaking the man who is responsible for the death of fellow officers and then having the gall to lie about it."

Sarah bit her lower lip. He was baiting her. If she reacted angrily then he would know without a doubt that she was seeing Tom. "Captain Janeway demands respect for all of her officers. Tom Paris has been an exceptional pilot on this journey. He's saved our neck a few times already. I was only demanding that you show him the respect that he deserves."

"Please," Benson scoffed, "spare me the 'he's changed' story."

"Fine, I will," Sarah snapped as she led him to the transporter room. Captain Black was there parting ways with Captain Janeway.

"Ah, Andrew," Black greeted. "Have a good time catching up with your old friend?"

"Just peachy," Benson grumbled as he got onto the transporter pad.

Janeway glanced sideways at Sarah for a moment before smiling nervously. "Well, Captain, we'll have to make an appointment to go over your data. I must say that I'm excited about the prospect of this technology. It sounds most intriguing."

Black nodded his head. "As soon as I brief the rest of my senior staff I'll meet with you. Thank you for your hospitality, Captain."

"Anytime," Janeway replied. With a nod of her head the transporter beam was activated and she watched as the two officers were transported back to their ship. Slowly she turned towards Sarah, who was still flustered. "Apparently you're meeting with Commander Benson didn't go as well as mine with Captain Black. Care to talk about it?"

"He just confirmed every reason why I broke up with him," Sarah hissed. "It's disheartening how some things don't change."

"You have," Janeway offered.

"I don't think he cares or realizes," Sarah said with a shake of her head.

Janeway reached out and put her arm around the young woman and directed her towards the exit. They walked this way to the lift. "I can't speak for Commander Benson, but maybe he was disheartened to see that _you'd_ changed. They've been out here in the Delta Quadrant a lot longer than we have and just like us are looking for anything that reminds them of home. To face you changing meant that home must have changed as well."

Sarah frowned as they entered the lift. "I never thought of it that way." As the lift whirred to life she prayed that Andrew wouldn't be attracted to those changes. She was aware that he already knew about her relationship with Tom, or at least suspected, and Andrew Benson did whatever he could to get what he wanted. It wouldn't matter to him that she was seeing Tom. She feared what his showing up in the Delta Quadrant was going to do to her new relationship. It was already tense because they were trying to keep it silent for a little while longer. A sinking feeling that bad things were to come crept into her senses and she could only hope for the best.


End file.
